Monthly Archives: July 2011

Titleless.

People often wonder why I have a hard time trusting anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I’m living my life with the glass half full. Perhaps I am, OR  perhaps I’d rather not be dissapointed by people.  I’ve gone through  many years of my life just struggling to find meaning in my life and what is going on around me. I’m a “Why?” person, I am always struggling to find the meaning in why things happen the way they do. I ask a lot of questions, and get frustrated when I cannot find the answer, or when someone doesn’t give me an answer that I think is justifiable.

I don’t let many people in, if any at all other than my husband and children, I realize this angers people at times and some people may walk away from me because they feel frustrated with me. To them I say, I’m sorry, but I may not ever let you in..or there may come a day when you suddenly realize that I have quietly let you in and you’ve been there all along, but you spent so much time and energy fighting me to let you in, you hardly noticed that..I unlocked the door for a minute and your already in.

I don’t want too many people in my life because I don’t want to be hurt. People hurt each other, whether it be intentionally or UNintentionally. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, I don’t want to take the time to care about someone only to find out that underneath it all, I’m just not that important to them.

What I also noticed is that people like to pretend that they care. They like to say words that they think they are supposed to say, because it’s the thing to do, or it makes them feel better on some level.  What I want those people to know is that I can tell the difference, I really can..it’s in your voice, it’s in your body language..it’s all right there. Most of the time people can be easily read, and their actions or non actions give them away. It gives YOU away.

I’m a very sensitive person. I don’t let people in, BUT, I care about them deeply. I care what happens to people, I want to fix people who are hurting, I want to take their pain away, I want to stand quietly next to them until they feel better. I just don’t want them standing next to me when I’m feeling badly- I don’t trust them. I don’t trust you.

I find myself often wondering how I turned out this way, but the reality is I know how.  Years of hurt and fighting to keep afloat have left me this way. It has left a rose with one too many thorns, I may seem outwardly beautiful, but the thorns are deep and are many. I desperately desire to be pruned and set on top of someones table to be admired and cared for..truth is, I don’t know what I’d do with that sort of attention.

 

This Seriously is not happening.

Unfortunately it is, and even more so it is happening to us again.

I cannot begin to tell you the range of emotions that I feel right now, or better yet, the range of emotions that I have been feeling for the last year. What I can tell you is that it has all changed me, and not for the better.

My husband and I have been together for the better part of the last 13 years. We have endured probably more than most have in their entire marriage, yet we are still standing here proclaiming our love to one another. I know that that part, constantly stays the same..cliche’ as it may sound, love has kept us together through all these years.

When I first met my husband I was not in the happiest of  places in my life, I was in a dead relationship and was barely getting through my everyday, other than the fact that I had this beautiful little baby boy, my life was..going no where fast. From the moment I saw my husband I knew he was the one for me. My heart raced and my armpits itched (yes, they do that when I’m nervous), there was something about him that made me feel secure whenever he was around me and I could barely pass the time when he left. Sure I have dated before in my life and yes I would gander to say that I was in love before too, but this, this was different. He was my future, I just knew it. There was an electricity between us that most new couples feel and there was the giddy laughter that I gave off when he made me laugh. It was not long after that he promised to take care of me for the rest of our lives.

The first few years of us being together were anything BUT bliss, usually the first couple years of being with someone is the time when things are new and fresh and exciting. You both are getting to know one another, learn about each others quirks and what makes them tick. We had a lot of things to sort through..A lot. We both had lives before we knew one another, of course, but we both also had a child from previous lives..we both also had a closet full of *stuff* or *baggage* if you will. We had both been hurt in one way or another and me of course, I come with a bag stuffed with insecurity and rejection (aka Mother issues). He on the other hand had to deal with losing his son, not in the death sense, but in the sense that his ex-wife took him back to Japan and that would be the last he would ever see of him. How do you mourn that? How do you deal with that type of pain? Unfortunately, I don’t think he really has, he has gotten really good at stuffing and cramming it so far down, that it lives in a section of his heart under lock and key. You nor I could not even fathom what that feels like. No pictures, no letters..nothing but the memory of what he looked liked that last day he saw him get on the plane.

Relationships end, marriages fail, but in the wake of it all, there will always be hurt and anger and turmoil. The realization that the life you were leading for all those years was all a facade. The promise of happily ever after and I love you forevers..Things change and people grow..apart as it would seem. When one door closes another door opens, that day my door opened and on the other side was my now husband. I won’t ever regret meeting him, and I will never regret the way our lives went those first few years, because, I truly believe it has made us who we are today as a couple. We grew a lot in those years, we learned a lot about ourselves and about one another. Marriage is hard, but come into it with baggage and it’s even harder, almost hard to imagine that it would work out, but ours did and still is.

Since then we have had two more children (4 children total, including his son in Japan). We have had our  many ups and downs, fights, arguments (ahem, disagreements), but we have also laughed until we cried, finished each others sentences, said what the other was feeling, lifted each other up when one was down and have learned to love each other unconditionally. We have also been through 6 lay-offs in the 13 plus years we have been together, which is actually the reason for this particular entry. In those 6 lay-offs we have managed to keep our home (with help from time to time of course), not be without insurance (again with help), nobody starved, and we did not get divorced (ha! that last one was a joke). Lot’s of  tears were cried, lots of “Why’s”, and mostly lots of deep philosophical questions about why this keeps happening to us. We are good people, we are Christians (although I have lost my way to be honest, I struggle with how to be a devout Christian, and  yet, be okay with all that has happened to us), we help people out when they need it, donate money to this or to that, YET, time and time again, we continue to be the underdog. Does that sound like it is dripping with self-pity and self loathing?  Good, because it was intended that way. I spend a great deal of time trying to be strong for our children, to not let them see how terrified I am, to try to let them know that everything will be okay..but I often wonder, will it be okay this time?

I tell you, there is nothing worse than hearing your spouse or significant other tell you that they lost their job, just as I’m sure there is nothing worse than having to be said spouse or significant other having to deliver those words. There is a certain numbness and heart wrenching fear that takes hold of you and you begin to think of everything ..”Should I have  paid that last credit card in full?”, “Did we really need to go out to dinner last night?” blah blah blah. I have learned over the years of going through this that yes, you do get through it, BUT, when you’re in the midst of it, it feels like you won’t. It feels as if the whole world is in on it but you..you sit and you feel the wind in your hair and the sun shining, you see people going about their business, but yet you feel stuck. You feel stuck because you cannot plan your future anymore, because..well because you just don’t know what your future holds. You don’t know if the house your living in will be yours anymore, you don’t know if the car you are driving will be gone, you don’t know if something horrible will happen to your children because you lost your health insurance, and you surely don’t know if your kids tummies will grumble because for the first time in their lives they will be hungry and you might not be able to feed them. You also are not sure if you and your husband will make it through this time, I mean you have made it through all the others, but what if, just what if this is the last straw? My heart stands still in fear of all this. I cannot seem to look forward sometimes, I see a fog and I can barely make out the images on the other side. Who will be left standing in the end?

The most I can do anymore is ask “Why?” It’s silly, nobody knows why, yet I still ask, because I let myself think that one time, just one time someone will have the answer and it will be the right one, the one where it tells us what we are doing wrong, so that we can correct it and make it right, and then everything will be ok again. I don’t trust many people anymore, unfortunately this is what happens when you  have been kicked more times than you care to admit, when you have been lifted up to be dropped kicked back down again. I can look at someone telling me something and I think of all the reasons why they are probably lying to me. It’s exhausting.

I have a husband who loves me no matter what, 3 beautiful children that are healthy and smart and funny, my health (although I wonder about it sometimes), and a roof over my head. What more can I need or want? There is one more thing, I need it, I crave it and it’s the only other thing I want in my life..do you know what that is?

My husband insists that it does not exist anymore..but in my mind, I think..surely it must.

 

Regards,

D.

 

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