People often wonder why I have a hard time trusting anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I’m living my life with the glass half full. Perhaps I am, OR perhaps I’d rather not be dissapointed by people. I’ve gone through many years of my life just struggling to find meaning in my life and what is going on around me. I’m a “Why?” person, I am always struggling to find the meaning in why things happen the way they do. I ask a lot of questions, and get frustrated when I cannot find the answer, or when someone doesn’t give me an answer that I think is justifiable.
I don’t let many people in, if any at all other than my husband and children, I realize this angers people at times and some people may walk away from me because they feel frustrated with me. To them I say, I’m sorry, but I may not ever let you in..or there may come a day when you suddenly realize that I have quietly let you in and you’ve been there all along, but you spent so much time and energy fighting me to let you in, you hardly noticed that..I unlocked the door for a minute and your already in.
I don’t want too many people in my life because I don’t want to be hurt. People hurt each other, whether it be intentionally or UNintentionally. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, I don’t want to take the time to care about someone only to find out that underneath it all, I’m just not that important to them.
What I also noticed is that people like to pretend that they care. They like to say words that they think they are supposed to say, because it’s the thing to do, or it makes them feel better on some level. What I want those people to know is that I can tell the difference, I really can..it’s in your voice, it’s in your body language..it’s all right there. Most of the time people can be easily read, and their actions or non actions give them away. It gives YOU away.
I’m a very sensitive person. I don’t let people in, BUT, I care about them deeply. I care what happens to people, I want to fix people who are hurting, I want to take their pain away, I want to stand quietly next to them until they feel better. I just don’t want them standing next to me when I’m feeling badly- I don’t trust them. I don’t trust you.
I find myself often wondering how I turned out this way, but the reality is I know how. Years of hurt and fighting to keep afloat have left me this way. It has left a rose with one too many thorns, I may seem outwardly beautiful, but the thorns are deep and are many. I desperately desire to be pruned and set on top of someones table to be admired and cared for..truth is, I don’t know what I’d do with that sort of attention.