Monthly Archives: September 2011

In a nutshell.

 

 

I’m a crier. There. I said it. Yes, I am the one who cries at those commercials, or at that sad song. I’m the one who when you talk to me and your sad and something Is hurting you and I can sense it, feel it and hear it in your being, I will cry.  I will cry because your sadness hurts me.

I’m also the one who will cry when I see something too incredibly cute, yes..a kitten or a puppy or a new baby. I often used to hate the fact that I cried so easily, but as I am getting older I am learning to embrace that part of me. It is who I am and it is what makes me..me.

I have spent a great deal of time writing about all my disappointments and all that has gone wrong in my life that sometimes I wonder if people associate me with being “An angry closed off person”..or maybe I see myself that way. I’m not sure, sometimes the way we perceive what others think of us, is really how we feel about ourselves. I do believe this to be the truth.

So here I am  finding myself wanting to apologize for blogging about my complaints. Then I realize that, this is my blog and these are my feelings. I certainly do not do it to offend anyone or make anyone roll their eyes at me “There she goes again..complaining about her life” it simply is my way of releasing all of the heavy stuff that my mind carries around on a daily basis. Sometimes my burden gets too heavy to carry around and sometimes I just need to be able to let it all go. I need to be able to toss it out there and hope that I did some healing within my self along the way. I don’t always likes to go back and read what I have blogged about because then I may start to regret saying things or putting myself out there and I find myself deleting my feelings and my thoughts as if they are some deep dark secret.

What I am learning to realize is that I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have done nothing wrong and I have not hurt anyone in the process (if I did, that certainly was not my intention). My hope is that when people read about my life and my ups and downs that they can somehow connect to me. I realize I am not alone in my trials and tribulations, and if just one person can connect to me then I feel all of my writing has not been lost.

Life is not easy, life comes with a lot of disappointments, but it also comes with a lot of joy and happiness..the key is to try to learn  how to embrace it- to truly embrace it and wrap your soul around it. I’m still learning and I am a work a progress. It is my guess that you, too, are a work in progress. If that is the case, let us learn together.

~D.

 

 

Sometimes I feel I struggle to find the good in the world. I find that lately all I want to write about is the bad in our life (our as is mine and my husband’s life). Searching my mind to write about good things is so far and in between. I mean I can sit here and tell you what the obvious good things are in my life..I mean of course.

Our health is mostly good

We have a roof over our heads

We have food in our pantries

We have electricity in our home

We both have cars and can put gas in them (for now)

My husband and I have a fairly strong marriage and we

Actually love one another GASP

I can tell you how I wake up every morning and am ALIVE and HEALTHY, and I can tell you how my kids wake up every morning with a zest for the new day and smiles on their faces (Well mostly, not the older one of course). I am grateful that I have my legs to run with everyday, that I have the means to send my youngest to Gymnastics, and that we have family who helps us when we are truly in need. For these things I am grateful. My husband and I have never truly hit rock bottom, I mean there have been times that we certainly felt that way (bankruptcy and an almost missed house payment years ago), yet we still continue to put one foot in front of the other and mostly come out okay.

 

Nothing comes easy for us though. Nothing.at.all. We have to fight and kick and scream to make sure we get our due and rarely do we get to sit back and think “Wow, everything is okay in this moment”. The thing is, nothing rarely is, there is always something on the back burner waiting to creep into our lives. Whether it is my husband’s job (or lack of ) and the stress that comes from what he does, OR all the little extraneous stuff that comes along on the outside lines. Not getting a bill paid on time, or worrying about how I need to fill my vehicle up with gas for the 3rd time In a week OR how I need to run to the grocery store for the 3rd time in as equal many days. Now, all this I realize is something we all struggle with on a daily basis. I could handle all the regular normal stuff, it’s the job front stuff that gets to be a bit much.

 

Long gone are the days where someone would start at a company and then ride it out until retirement. Crap long gone are the days where someone is lucky enough to last 5 years at the same company let alone until retirement. I’m not even sure I can say that my husband has lasted 5 years at the same company. It certainly is not a reflection on him, but a reflection of what we have turned into as a whole. There is no more job stability, no more employee loyalty, no more workplace that really does treat you like family. Although they certainly would like you to believe so.

I have seen my husband go through so much in our 13+ years of being together, the ups and downs of finding work, the resume’ writing, the interviews (in person and on the phone) and networking, it certainly begins to take it’s toll on someone. I don’t see how after a while one does not begin to take it personally. I know I would and honestly, I do. I believe my husband is a good person who works hard, I believe he is dedicated to providing for his family and giving the best of himself to his employers. What I fail to understand is how, how this keeps happening to him. Yes, I get it, it is NOT just him..it is HIM and MILLIONS of other people out there who are faced with the same issues as we are. I get it, we are not ALONE in our struggles, but in a way we are. We feel alone. Especially in those quiet in between times.

 

I don’t like to allow myself to feel bad for feeling bad for us (can you say that 10 times fast?). I know people think “Get over it..move past it..” I find that it is much easier to say that when you’re sitting on the other side of the fence. What I will say is that I get tired of saying it all out loud, so I tend to keep quiet about it mostly. Don’t get me wrong, I do get overwhelmed and it will come out on Facebook from time to time, but mostly..I just keep it in. I get afraid of making people angry for having to listen to me, I get afraid of pushing people away who get tired of having to listen to me. I get tired of people telling me “You could have it so much worse”..does that not go without saying? Of course I know this and of course I am grateful for it all. I’m a work in progress, I am trying to learn how to live and be happy with what has been handed to us. I do wonder though, how long? I mean how long will all this take before we can finally settle in? Will it always have to be this way? Will we always have to fight for what we have in our lives? The answer is who knows. Nobody truly knows but God. God is indeed in control, but I find myself struggling with, what God would want his children to suffer the way we do sometimes?

 

I often wonder what the test is and what the right answers are. I remember my mother telling me one time that I needed to repent. Really repent. I asked how and I was told that I needed to get on my hands and knees and pray and give it all up to him. That was more than 6 years ago and I feel like I am still waiting. Maybe it is because I did not do it right? Could it be that I was not sincere enough in my convictions? Or maybe I did not cry hard enough? What I do know is that I ask for help all the time..My pleas are often “Please Dear Lord, give us the strength that we need to be able to continue to put one foot in front of the other”. I find they often go unanswered.

 

OR

 

Do they? I mean, we are still here, and we are still healthy and we still have a roof over our head. Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong. My marriage is still intact and the bills are somehow getting paid (although not always on time, they manage to get paid) and we, of course, have our health. Maybe this is all that the Lord feels we need.  I could be okay with that if I knew that was it. I need to know that this is how it should be and that we will be okay. My husband is much more rooted in his faith than I am..or maybe that’s it? See? I really do not have all the answers or even a part of the answers. I wish I did. I am often told to take my hands of the wheel.

 

~He who angers you controls you~

-Elizabeth Kenny

 

 

What I know to be true is that everybody copes with life’s situations differently. I often find myself wondering if I’m coping the right way or the normal way, but as I grow older and hopefully more wiser I realize that, now more than ever, how one copes is greatly varied by age, experience and gender. One thing that I do know to be the constant with me is that I react very quickly to things, whether it be anger, happiness, sadness or surprise. I don’t often evaluate a situation before I decide how I’m going to react to it, I am the person that wears their emotions on their sleeves. Sometimes it’s a positive trait in myself and other times it truly is a detriment to me.

It was recently told to me that “My mother really did a number on me” or maybe not those exact words, but close enough to it.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be a less of an insecure person, to be more independent, and to be more confident in who I am and what I have to offer. I have spent a great deal of my late teens and adult life  being  angry  and closed off. A great many years of my life have been spent on trying to blame someone for the bad things that have happened to me in my life, but  what I realized is that I started to turn that anger inward onto myself. I started to feel as if I was not good enough, that I hardly had anything to offer anyone and most of all, I just was not the type of person you wanted to love or be close to- why? Honestly because, I just did not know how to give myself up in that way. What ultimately happened is that I started forging friendships with people that never really thought that highly of themselves (much like myself), or people who were just as insecure as I was, if not worse. I started to feel like I needed to go after people who needed *fixing*(the thing is, I don’t know if I necessarily went after them, they just sort of found ME,ended up in my life in one way or another). I wanted to fix them and save them and make them feel good about themselves. I get great personal gain if I feel like someone needs me to help them. If I could not fix ME, then I wanted to fix YOU.

I became pretty damn good at talking to people about their problems and what I have realized along the way is that I love it and it comes so naturally to me. I want to help people, I want to be there for people who really need someone to talk  and listen to. I feel empathy for people, true empathy when someone is hurting or feeling sad. I’m the person who sees something unfold, good or bad and I try and figure out why it happened, why the person may have reacted that way, I desperately try to find the meaning behind the action. I especially love to do this with kids- preferably with teens. Being a teenager is difficult at best and I feel that more times than not they are highly misunderstood. It’s so easy to get angry at them and jump to conclusions- I mean I have a teen of my own and I constantly do this- but even with my own, I try and figure out the reasons behind his actions.

I once had someone tell me “Denise, you can’t save them all.” I’m not necessarily sure I feel that I can save them all, but what I want to know is if I at least made a difference in their lives. I want to know that I helped take some of the burden off of their heavy loads. Kids often feel as if they just are not in control of their own lives, there is always someone telling them what to do as well as  how to act. As adults we want them to act independent and in control, but yet we don’t allow them the opportunity to do so. I feel that kids need to feel as if their voices are being, and I need to beg you as their parent, guardian, teacher, preacher et al..to listen to them. Really listen to them and what they have to say. Lower your voice, because your loud voice becomes their loud voice and it ultimately becomes who can talk louder than the other, after all they just want to be heard.

It brings me back to how people cope with things in their life, I truly believe that how we cope with things is (varied by age, experience and gender)but, is also greatly influenced by how we were raised. If we felt like we were not heard as children/teens/young adults then we tend to spend even our adult lives trying to be heard, so if you still have that inner child inside of you screaming to be heard, I want you to know that I can hear you, and not only do I hear you, but I want to listen to what you have to say.

Tiny beak and tiny eyes with wide open stares

Searching and hoping for their scattered share

Way up high you catch your flight

Spiraling down with such delight

 

Bobbing and hopping at the ground

Trying desperately to make your rounds

You sing so loud with no regard

All the while keeping guard

 

Tiny dancer sitting on your branch

Taking charge of this entire ranch

Brown and tan and golden hues

Watching you gives me such amuse

 

 

 

 

 

4:15.

 

 

I typically set my running things out the night before I have to run the next morning. Well, it pretty much goes like this, set my coffee mug up (always need to be sure I have the right mug ready to go, because for me the right coffee mug is the difference between a good cup of coffee and a bad cup of coffee) on the Kuerig tray, slip my kcup into its spot and pour in my 3 packets of Splenda, this way in my foggy state of being at 4:15 in the morning all I need to do is push that button and out comes brown magic.

Anyway, I gather my running attire, shoes-check, socks-check, shorts-check,top-check. The clothing gets neatly laid out in the living room so that when I get up and grab my coffee I just need to slip into everything.

4:15 that pesky little alarm goes off, which by the way, I am usually up before that because I know that the damn thing is going to go off at any minute anyhow. What typically always happens without fail is this.. I will fall asleep literally right before the alarm goes off, YES, I just said I was typically awake prior, and well, I am..BUT, like clockwork at the 11th hour I fall asleep. I have this love/hate relationship with my running at 4:15 in the morning. I choose to run at that time because when I work I would much rather get up early, get it done so that when I get home I can focus on my family. However, at 4:15 a.m. I am not thinking that far ahead or that clearly for a matter of fact. Everything is pretty much a blur at that hour, the only thing I know for sure is that I need coffee and I need to sit  for a few minutes.

Running  early in the morning is something I highly recommend, other than having to actually get up and do it- it really is the best part of the day to get out. I choose to not use my Ipod most of the those mornings because there is something to be said about the quiet. I love to be out when everyone else is asleep and the roads for the most part are all mine. I love the way my feet sound when they hit the pavement and the gentle sound that comes from my rhythmic breathing. This is the time that I usually spend thinking about how my day might go, or what I need to get done that day, or where I think about things that I normally don’t have time to process once daylight hits.

Did you know that birds roost in the trees during the night? I often have found myself wondering where they all go once it gets dark- they roost. How do I know this? Well, because, I have been scared plenty of times by birds who I have in turn scared as I have run past their roosting spots. Anyhow, when I run in the morning, I’ll admit that it takes me at least 15 minutes or so to really find my flow, I’m still waking up and my legs are still deciding if they really need to be out running at this God forsaken hour of the morning.

Once my legs and my body figure out that they have no choice, things begin to mesh nicely together. My senses begin to awaken, I no longer feel groggy and my legs no longer feel heavy like cement blocks. My legs quietly turn over and my feet instinctively know where they are going, there is no thought process about which way I’m running or how far I need to go, it all just happens naturally. I’m forced to make so many decisions on a daily basis, that my early morning runs are usually without regard. I know how much time I have out there and I just get it done- whether it’s this way or that way, or this pace or that pace, it just flows..it just happens..as if I’ve been running my whole life.

I find that I’m already back to my front doorstep and the sun is beginning to shed it’s light on the rest of the world. I notice that the cars have begun to  hum  along the roads trying to feverishly get to their owners destination, the birds have awoke from their evening slumbers and the street lights have shut themselves off.

I stand there for a minute sweaty and wide awake and look around..I find myself whispering “Thanks for the run”..and I turn around and  walk into the house.

Deeper Than the Holler..

When I think of Randy Travis I think of wrap around porches, cowboy boots and ice tea in a mason jar. I think of my many years working with the horses and going to sales. It is a sensory overload of sorts, of visions that are no longer in front of me, but visions of my past, smells that come rushing through my nose as if I was standing in the presence of it all right now. I smell the sweet alfalfa as I type , and I can almost feel my toes wiggling around in my boots- cept’ I don’t have on boots and  I am wearing pretty girly sandals right now- dressed in clothing that I can only refer to as my Sunday best.

Anyway, this prompts me to give you the lyrics to one of my favorite Randy Travis songs..Do me a favor and look it up and listen to it..

I know of a couple that this song reminds me of (other than my husband and I), and it makes me smile when I see them together..

 

Deeper Than the Holler

Well I’ve heard those city singers singin ’bout how they can love
Deeper than the oceans higher than the stars above
Well I come from the country and I know I ain’t seen it all
But I heard that oceans salty and the stars they sometimes fall
But that would not do justice to the way I feel for you
So I have to sing this song about all the things I knew

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin’ tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill

From the backroads to the broadway shows with a million miles between
There’s a least a million love songs that people love to sing
And everyone is different and everyone’s the same
So this is just another way of sayin’ the same thing

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin’ tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin’ tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill

What Are Friends For?…

 

 

I tend to do some of my best writing when I’m listening to music..why is that?  Music moves me in so many different ways, it lifts me up when I feel sad, or pumps me way up when I’m feeling good.  Anyway, I have decided to listen to some music while I write today.

Having been through what I have in my life,  I have learned many, many valuable lessons along the way. Yes, I realize someone will have always had it harder or more difficult than I have and unfortunately I used to have someone in my life who liked to remind me of that. However, it would not be in the “Cheer up Denise, there is worse out there and you WILL be okay” it was always more like “There are people out there who have it/have had it worse than you , including me, so get over it” type of thing. It has taken me a very long time to realize this was the actual take on it, vs. what I tried to get my mind to convince me of. I wanted to believe that these people had my best interest at heart, I mean MY best interest at heart, no, like, really cared about MY BEST interest, other than their best interest on the cuff of their sleeve type of thing. I know you know what I mean to say, but sometimes typing it does not always come out fluent and pretty.

Can we talk about friendship for a minute? Okay..good. Listen up. Friendship is not something you do because you feel like you have to, friendship is not something you do because you want to see the many ways you are better than someone, it is not something that you take advantage of, or not something you try to mold into something you think or want it to be. Friendship is about  accepting someone for who they are (within reason of course) and certainly it is NOT someplace to dump all your insecurities on. Friendship is about loving someone for everything they have to offer you in your life spiritually & emotionally and vice versa. Some friends just click from the word hello and some take a little time to blossom, but friendship should never be something you feel you have to work at from the moment the friendship started.

I cannot be your emotional babysitter, nor do I want to. I want to be here for you when you need me, I want to pump you up when your feeling bad and I want to laugh with you just for the sake of laughing. I will tell you everything will be okay, if I really feel that it will be, but I will also tell you it won’t be if that is the truth; but if it won’t be okay, I promise to sit here quietly by your side and help you through it. I want you to know me for ME and I want you to understand what I’m trying to say without saying  it. Very few people have made that list, let’s be honest. NO, it has nothing to do with “My mother issues” as one person so unkindly put it but it has everything to do with the fact that maybe I never really trusted you and your motives..or wait, maybe it’s because I care enough about ME to realize that I’m worthy and deserving of much more than mediocre friendship. A friend would never intentionally say something to hurt the other person in some backhanded sort of way. Don’t get me wrong I DO have friends that I would trust my life with as well as my kids life with.. and those are the ones that have taken the time to get to know me and vice versa, those are the ones that just clicked..no work needed to keep it afloat.

Then there are the friendships that started out well, but ended badly. Words were spoken that just were not nice and when words like that get spoken there really is never a way to turn back. It is not about “Just getting over it” or “Just move on already”..those words just linger in the air with no real home to settle into. You want to put them to rest or away, but you cannot. So they sit and they just fester until the next argument comes around and the words become bolder and more prominent. Those are the friendships that should have been broken a long time ago. There are also friendships that are doomed from the start when two people both have super strong personalities, those never really work out..do they? I mean someone has to always be right and two people can never be right in the same conversation can they? I mean then it really just becomes a shouting contest or a chest pumping contest about who is BIGGER or BETTER or treats the other better OR who runs faster OR who bikes faster OR who is skinnier OR WHO DOES THE MOST WORK in the relationship..blah blah blah..honestly. Those are draining.

Seriously draining.

I have spent far too much of my life and time trying to make people happy. What I have learned is to stick by the ones who truly care, and you know what? Maybe those demanding and insecure friends really do care underneath it all..but I just don’t have the time or the fortitude to deal with it after years of trying to deal with it. I have realized that there are other friends out there who really do want my time because they enjoy being with me or talking to me or laughing with me.  You know what? Yes, I can be difficult at times, and I rarely ever like to go out (it’s the rare occasion that I do, and if you’re the lucky one that actually got me out of the house, consider yourself lucky- SCORE!), I hate talking on the phone, but I text with the best of them and I can give advice like nobody’s business (and often am told I’m damn good at it). This is me and that is what I have to offer.

Signed,

Somewhat difficult at times, stubborn as all get out, but loving, kind, sincere and true.

I have mother issues..but don’t we all on some level?

Random Poetry..

The recesses of my soul can only handle so much pain

Constantly fighting with the emotional turmoil

Wanting nothing more than to put it all to rest

Allowing sunshine in where darkness has lived for so long

 

So long have the days been where fight or flight mode has taken up space

Like a dingy old apartment with dirty windows and floors

Shattered and torn curtains with no fresh air allowed in to dance around the room

 

I need fresh air in my soul to wrap its arms around the spaces that have been left empty and dank

To wrap its arms around my soul like a fresh fall day so that my soul can take a deep breath in and exhale.

Exhale out all the dust and smoke of disappointment and let down of days gone by

 

Come to me blue skies and sunshine, bring with you the warmth of your sun

The sun that radiates its beams on my face, beams that will dry up the tears that the rain and clouds have brought

Bring with you the gentle winds that will sing a song to my soul, a song that will comfort me and with one soft breeze I will know that everything will be okay

 

Everything will be okay so that laughter will once again fill my spirit and nourish my soul, a soul that has forgotten the true meaning of happiness and rejoice

I want to dance around on my tippy toes like a little girl pretending to be a ballerina

I want to soak up the rays of the suns brilliance, brilliance that feeds my soul and my body, brilliance that will warm my cold and weary soul

Warm my soul as the wind gently sings and cradles it, because then and only then I know it will all be ok

 

It will be ok.

HarsH ReaLiTy

A Good Blog is Hard to Find

Victorious

Strength for the body, mind + spirit. 1 Cor 15:57

HayleyHobsonBlog.com

Please note my new Blog address above.....

Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

Don't Forget to Feed the Baby

Because they let you become a parent even if you have NO IDEA what you're doing.

boxfitness

Fitness for the modern

Nicole Meadows

Lifestyle blogger with a passion for fitness

Hollis Plample

draws comics

The Coder Chick

Your Chic Lifestyle and Tech Career Guide

College Tri

Giving fitness and triathlons "the old college try"

L-Jay Health

Nutrition and Fitness

The Evolution of Eloquence

Improving the English language one letter at a time

The Better Man Project ™

a man chasing dreams