Sometimes I feel I struggle to find the good in the world. I find that lately all I want to write about is the bad in our life (our as is mine and my husband’s life). Searching my mind to write about good things is so far and in between. I mean I can sit here and tell you what the obvious good things are in my life..I mean of course.
Our health is mostly good
We have a roof over our heads
We have food in our pantries
We have electricity in our home
We both have cars and can put gas in them (for now)
My husband and I have a fairly strong marriage and we
Actually love one another GASP
I can tell you how I wake up every morning and am ALIVE and HEALTHY, and I can tell you how my kids wake up every morning with a zest for the new day and smiles on their faces (Well mostly, not the older one of course). I am grateful that I have my legs to run with everyday, that I have the means to send my youngest to Gymnastics, and that we have family who helps us when we are truly in need. For these things I am grateful. My husband and I have never truly hit rock bottom, I mean there have been times that we certainly felt that way (bankruptcy and an almost missed house payment years ago), yet we still continue to put one foot in front of the other and mostly come out okay.
Nothing comes easy for us though. Nothing.at.all. We have to fight and kick and scream to make sure we get our due and rarely do we get to sit back and think “Wow, everything is okay in this moment”. The thing is, nothing rarely is, there is always something on the back burner waiting to creep into our lives. Whether it is my husband’s job (or lack of ) and the stress that comes from what he does, OR all the little extraneous stuff that comes along on the outside lines. Not getting a bill paid on time, or worrying about how I need to fill my vehicle up with gas for the 3rd time In a week OR how I need to run to the grocery store for the 3rd time in as equal many days. Now, all this I realize is something we all struggle with on a daily basis. I could handle all the regular normal stuff, it’s the job front stuff that gets to be a bit much.
Long gone are the days where someone would start at a company and then ride it out until retirement. Crap long gone are the days where someone is lucky enough to last 5 years at the same company let alone until retirement. I’m not even sure I can say that my husband has lasted 5 years at the same company. It certainly is not a reflection on him, but a reflection of what we have turned into as a whole. There is no more job stability, no more employee loyalty, no more workplace that really does treat you like family. Although they certainly would like you to believe so.
I have seen my husband go through so much in our 13+ years of being together, the ups and downs of finding work, the resume’ writing, the interviews (in person and on the phone) and networking, it certainly begins to take it’s toll on someone. I don’t see how after a while one does not begin to take it personally. I know I would and honestly, I do. I believe my husband is a good person who works hard, I believe he is dedicated to providing for his family and giving the best of himself to his employers. What I fail to understand is how, how this keeps happening to him. Yes, I get it, it is NOT just him..it is HIM and MILLIONS of other people out there who are faced with the same issues as we are. I get it, we are not ALONE in our struggles, but in a way we are. We feel alone. Especially in those quiet in between times.
I don’t like to allow myself to feel bad for feeling bad for us (can you say that 10 times fast?). I know people think “Get over it..move past it..” I find that it is much easier to say that when you’re sitting on the other side of the fence. What I will say is that I get tired of saying it all out loud, so I tend to keep quiet about it mostly. Don’t get me wrong, I do get overwhelmed and it will come out on Facebook from time to time, but mostly..I just keep it in. I get afraid of making people angry for having to listen to me, I get afraid of pushing people away who get tired of having to listen to me. I get tired of people telling me “You could have it so much worse”..does that not go without saying? Of course I know this and of course I am grateful for it all. I’m a work in progress, I am trying to learn how to live and be happy with what has been handed to us. I do wonder though, how long? I mean how long will all this take before we can finally settle in? Will it always have to be this way? Will we always have to fight for what we have in our lives? The answer is who knows. Nobody truly knows but God. God is indeed in control, but I find myself struggling with, what God would want his children to suffer the way we do sometimes?
I often wonder what the test is and what the right answers are. I remember my mother telling me one time that I needed to repent. Really repent. I asked how and I was told that I needed to get on my hands and knees and pray and give it all up to him. That was more than 6 years ago and I feel like I am still waiting. Maybe it is because I did not do it right? Could it be that I was not sincere enough in my convictions? Or maybe I did not cry hard enough? What I do know is that I ask for help all the time..My pleas are often “Please Dear Lord, give us the strength that we need to be able to continue to put one foot in front of the other”. I find they often go unanswered.
Do they? I mean, we are still here, and we are still healthy and we still have a roof over our head. Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong. My marriage is still intact and the bills are somehow getting paid (although not always on time, they manage to get paid) and we, of course, have our health. Maybe this is all that the Lord feels we need. I could be okay with that if I knew that was it. I need to know that this is how it should be and that we will be okay. My husband is much more rooted in his faith than I am..or maybe that’s it? See? I really do not have all the answers or even a part of the answers. I wish I did. I am often told to take my hands of the wheel.
~He who angers you controls you~