More on 40.
40 is only 10 years from 50. 50!! At 40 you are supposed to start dressing like a middle aged woman. BWAAHAAA!! Wait, what exactly does that mean? How does one middle aged woman dress? Wait a MINUTE, if anyone thinks that I am going to start shopping at what is that store called? Chicos or Coldwater Creek they have done lost their mind. That is just nuts! Have you seen their clothing? Middle Aged fartsy is you ask me.
I don’t belong at this age. I have no idea how to dress, how to act or how to speak. I’m way too immature for it all. When I look in the mirror I don’t see 40 year old me. I see? I see? Hmmm, okay, so I’m not really sure what I see. I’ve been a bit stuck the last few years of who I am, who I want to be and where I’m supposed to be going. I suppose I cannot stop for directions, as I’m the driver of this old rusty car. Wait..no, I’m not rusty just yet and I guess I’m not old. The number says one thing, yet I feel another.
When I look in the mirror I see a tired soul. I see worry and some unhappiness. There I said it. I’m not the happiest clam in the bunch. Some days, I just don’t feel it. I think a lot of people run around trying to convince themselves that they are happy and that life is just grand, when the reality is, I think a lot of people are NOT happy at all. I think a lot of people just settle for where they are at, thinking they are stuck or there is nothing better out there for them. Not true. I’m probably the biggest hypocrite..like EVER. I’m not happy where my life has been, or what I have gone through or what my family has gone through (however, this particular post is not about my family, it is about ME). I wake up some mornings or afternoons (depending on if I’ve worked or not) and wonder what the hell? How the hell did I get here? In this very spot? On this day, in this moment? Where do I go from here? What do I want? What will make me happy? Who will make me happy?
I know you do too. You don’t have to say it out loud, because your probably not ready to. One day you will be. I know the thought terrifies you. I mean what if your really not happy and you have been playing a happy person to all around you? What if what you thought you wanted is really not what you wanted all along? What if the person you are married to is NOT the person you really REALLY want to be with? With if that person does not make you happy anymore? What if your job makes your miserable? What if you have outgrown your friends? What if you have NOTHING in common with them anymore? What if NO ONE gets you? See what I mean? There are a LOT of what if’s in life and most of us, never want to talk about them out loud. Those are thoughts for us only, thoughts that enter our minds on our runs, or on our car rides to and from wherever we need to be. Those are for when we lay in bed at night and can’t fall asleep. Those are for those days when you sit and listen to music and you listen to the lyrics and try to find the connection between the words and your very life.
The problem is that we have spent so much time trying to be happy, that we have done just the opposite my friends. We have stopped being true to ourselves and what makes us truly happy.
I’m a runner. I run to escape myself. I run to escape my fears, my worries, my shortcomings. I run when I’m happy, I run when I’m sad. I smile when I run and I cry when I run. Sometimes I have to stop because I’m crying so hard. Other times I run and am filled with such elation that I just burst at the seams from smiling so hard (or at least it feels that way). I run for many, many reason, but mainly I run because it completes me in a way that nothing else really can. Some would say that runners are very controlling people who need to feel in control. I would say that is very VERY true. We are selfish, and controlling and OCD. We are. I dare you (another runner) to challenge me. I would say you are a liar. Why are we selfish? Because we stop at nothing to be sure we get our runs in, we are out there some days for hours, snow, rain, wind, sleet, thunder, lightening (you catch my drift). Most of us have families and we leave our significant other at home with the family to care for them. Day in and day out. We get up early in the morning or go late at night. We always just assume someone will watch the kids while we run. We always just assume that our significant other is okay with our choices. Is okay with what we love to do, because well, we love to do it. We like to believe they support us in all that we do,without ever giving us a hard time about it. Then there are some of us who try to push our addiction on our significant other AS IF they want to do our crazyness with us! We think that somehow if we can change them into being runners with us, things will go much smoother. If we convince them that if they just try it they will like it, or if they just do one race with us the world will correct itself. Boy, who are WE kidding? Ourselves. Yes. Again…one of those things we just won’t say out loud.
I would like to spend this next year not only taking care of the physical me, but the emotional me as well. I truly do have a damn good husband. He treats me well. Very well. I have good kids and a decent life. I need to really work on cleaning out my own personal space. You know that space I speak of. The one inside of myself that is not always kind to me. The one that thinks I’m less than more times than I’m MORE than. The one that thinks I’m not beautiful or pretty or feminine enough. The one that looks in the mirror and sees the bulges instead of the sexy curves. The one that says I’m not smart enough to do that, or I’m not smart enough to chime in on a conversation. The one that never has house guests over because I think my home is LESS than everyone else’s. I’m always less than in my eyes. For once, I would like to feel MORE than. I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. It is so much easier to stay in the now, than it is to move forward.