A New Year..A New Me?
I don’t know..questionable. I’d like to say yes, actually, I would like to say: “Hell yes”. The truth to that matter is , I’m not good at keeping to resolutions. I suppose that I am no different than anyone else, in the fact that I make up all these resolutions, stick to them for about a month, and then they go to the wayside. The reality is, is that, it is much easier to continue doing what I’ve always done. Why? Because I am stubborn and I think that changing is bowing down to something that everyone else wants me to be. Even if I need to change for my own good.
I have so much changing to do, that honestly it overwhelms me. It scares me and it makes me just hunker down with my blinders on. I mean we all need to change on some levels, nobody is perfect and there is always room for improvement. Me, however, I have a lot of work to do. I have years of crap to undo and change. I hate even writing this, but I know that I somehow need to be accountable for myself and my actions.
I think one of my biggest flaws is my defensiveness. I always say that I’m not, but I think and I do be lieve that I probably am way more than I’d like to even admit. I feel as if I have to constantly explain myself or defend my actions. I’m not sure why that is, or maybe I do. Maybe it’s from the years of being called “Stupid” by a family member. Maybe it’s because I went for so long without my voice being heard as a child. I was pretty much just told what to do, without so much as consideration for what I was or was not feeling. I was always in trouble, and always being yelled at for one thing or another. Probably hit a bit too much as well, but back in my day while I was growing up, no one really thought too much about spankings (or beatings for a lack of a better word). I think I was probably a little depressed as a kid as well. I always felt as if I did not fit in, like no where. That blog is for another day.
I guess what I am trying to say is that my defensiveness has been around for a very long time, and at 40, I really don’t think it is very becoming anymore and it probably was not at 39 or 38 either..It’s all I know that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I know it’s probably hard to believe, you know you just want to say to someone like me, “Knock it the hell off already”. I want to, I do; and mostly I want to believe that the words that are coming out of your mouth are not meant in a mean way, or that you really are just trying to give me helpful advice etc..etc.. and I’m not that way with everyone, I tend to be more like that with people who are close to me or vice versa. Why is that? Is it because it’s easier to get mad at them? Is it easier to be yourself around them? Or is it because we don’t want the people we love to point out our flaws..or in my case is it because I always feel like I’m not good enough? Probably the latter. I rarely ever feel good enough. A good enough friend, wife, mother, or worker. It’s exhausting I tell you. I’m always worried about something. My mind is always in constant motion.
I’m constantly worried about being left, abandoned, made fun of, talked about or even ridiculed. When I re-read that sentence I get embarrassed. How does one function feeling that way all the time? Well, I don’t feel like that every single day. I can go a day or two and not worry about any of that stuff on the surface, but it’s still part of my thought processes. This is why tools like Facebook are not always good for someone like me. I analyze things way too much. I worry when someone posts something as simple as Have a good day on someone’s wall and does not post it on my wall. I start to think “Why not? Did I do something wrong? Do they not really like me after all? This is probably the reason why I really don’t do much of anything with anyone. It’s a real anxiety at times. I’m always afraid there will be something that someone does not like about me. How do you fix that? Meditation? Relaxation? A swift kick in the ass? Seriously, I’m game for anything.
The thing that drives me wild is that I know I am this way. I am fully aware of what I do and why I do it. I get stuck in the process of being that person, once I’m in that “mode” it is very hard to get me off that path of self destruction. It’s like I can never go half way and think “Stoppit it Denise! Just knock off your silly nonense, listen to yourself” I mean, I do in my head while it is happening, but by that point I have myself so worked up that I continue full speed ahead to spite my OWN self. Is it because I truly feel I don’t deserve happiness?
Perhaps I’m on to something here?