This Is Really Bothering Me.
I labeled this as both running and personal growth. Why? Well, because I feel my running is partly about my personal growth as well.
As y’all have heard, I’m at a bit of an impasse right now. I just seem frozen. No moving forward and no going back. Why am I making this so damned difficult. I think part of the reason why, is because over the last few years, I have tried so hard to make running not who I am, that it has indeed become that. Running was always a sure thing in my life. It gave me grounding and self discipline.
Running for me has always been all or nothing. I hate that. I hate seeing everyone else’s goals and having none of my own. Makes me self pity myself. Then I look back over the years and see I never really had consistency, never really stuck to a paper plan. Just ran mostly and threw races in there. I always wanted to get faster and I know I have it in me. That was my goal, then I had to go back to work. Everything went to hell from there.
I know, I know. People work and I need to get over it. I have been a stay at home mom and wife for the last 10 years. The transition has been awful. Part of me hates it and resents it, part of me is glad I did. It takes some of the load off my husband and it gives me time away from home to be me, on my own If that makes sense. I just don’t like the impact it has taken on me physically. It truly has taken a toll on me. I have no outlet now. I’m either sleeping or tired. It really is no way to live. It just is not. Something has to give.
Which brings me to where I am today. No direction. Just here. Getting through every day. Playing it by ear if you will. What else can I do?