Daily Archives: February 16, 2013
I’m stuck folks. I don’t know what to do. It should be easy right? I’ve had friends tell me to just ditch it and never look back. They promised to follow my blog to keep up with me and I would do the same with them. Some have resorted to texting, which, truth be told, I like that best. Everyone who knows me, knows that texting is my thing. I try to avoid real live phone calls as much as I can. I don’t know why, I just do. Perhaps there is some sort of discomfort in it? I don’t like talking on the phone, I don’t like the way my voice sounds and I feel nervous. Nervous that I don’t sound like I know what I’m talking about OR more importantly, my attention span is very short. I tend to wander off in my mind often. Not that I don’t value what someone has to say, but at times I can be..well..a space cadet of sorts. You know what? That is not fair for me to say that, It is more like I have a constant chain of thoughts going on in my mind at any given time. I never shut up truth be told. Maybe you can’t hear it, but damn I sure can.
It also takes me a while to be able to have a conversation with someone in real life as well. I wonder things such as: “Do I look ok?”, “Do I look/sound funny when I talk?”, “Do people take me seriously?”, “Do I look them in the eye? Or is looking them in the eye creepy?”, “I think I’m looking away too much, look back at them Denise.” , “Do I need to get my eyebrows done again? Oh, God, they are looking at my eyebrows!!!” I wish I could say I was kidding, but I’m really not.
Facebook sometimes makes it too easy for people to behave and become people they are not. It becomes to easy to judge someone solely based on their status updates. It makes it too easy to continue to be an introvert. Passive aggressive, fakes, liars, braggarts, idiots, jerks etc..etc.. TRUST ME, I know some people think the same of me. THEN, it leads to becoming easily hooked on how many people like your updates, how many people like your pictures, how many people comment on what you have to say. Getting your feelings hurt over ridiculous crap, like, “How is it that I like or comment on your shit, yet you can’t step outside your self centered self to comment on my crap?” Which leads to, “I’m unfriending you, you self centered jerk” or “You know what, see if I ever comment on your updates again!! TAKE THAT!” Which 9 times out of 10 never results in an unfriending and I ultimately end up liking your dumb post.
What is so hard about just walking away? It is an addiction? What is it about Facebook that makes it difficult to quit? Is it the realization that if I do that, then I’m faced to realize that I really don’t have many real life friends? Which leads me to, why don’t I have a lot of real life friends? I’m picky. Very picky about who I keep company with. OR maybe I’m not picky, but that insecure about myself. I’m a homebody by choice, BUT, in all fairness to myself, once you get me out of the house and in the company of friends or other people, I usually do fine. I eventually open up and eventually I have a good time. It’s the getting me there that is the issue.
I often try to think of what kind of person that I am. Someone once called me passive agressive and I thought about it for awhile and I really don’t think that I am. I mean I don’t fit the definition 100%. I have some characteristics, but I think we all hold some characteristics of a lot of personality disorders. We have already discussed that I’m insecure, maybe the other half of that is shy? See, I don’t know. I’m very VERY opionated, probably too much so sometimes. I can be critical as well, but mostly with myself. I try to be a good person, and I often care TOO much about things..especially people. I care what people think of me, even when I say I don’t a lot of the time. Maybe I am just this insecure person who constantly seeks the approval of others. Wanting to fit in somewhere, but just not knowing where.