311 and It’s a….
Dx of Acute Sinusitis baybeeee!! Lovely. I assumed this was just a cold, you know, who goes to the Dr. for a cold..hence my reason why I did not go in to the Dr. sooner. I don’t know what it is, but I have this issue with people who run to the Dr. for every.little.thing. So, yes..I waited. Ahem..Apparently too long. Whatever. It is now what it is and I have a script for Augmentin and a missed day of work. I don’t think it would be so bad if it were not for my ears feeling like they want to pop out of my head, made worse by bending over. Again, whatever. I am just annoyed all around at this point.
I’m not sure what is going on with me, but my temper is short fused lately and I’m feeling generally annoyed. Women..do you know that whole feeling of, “Leave me the hell alone!” , followed by “Why the HELL Is everyone ignoring me OR NOT paying attention to me!”. Yes. Exactly. I feel all of it going on at the same time. What is that? Hormones? Getting older? Feeling stressed in general? Rushed? No time for anything? What gives people?!! I’m over it and I’m sure my family is probably over it. Yesterday already.
Another day of not working out. Again. Meh. I’ll just sit here and..and..pout? Rot? be angry? Find reasons to be angry? Stew? be sad? Frustrated? depressed? or is it blue? Are you technically depressed if you feel down? Or is it feeling blue? “Awww, someone’s got the blues today”. I mean, I’m not laying in bed all day everyday, in the dark, listening to sad music. At least not yet anyway. Heh. I guess you can say I have my peaks and valleys. Or valleys and peaks. Or mountains and pits. Call it what you will..it waxes and wanes.
I wonder if I sense a pattern here. Lately I seem more down than up. Is it because of environmental issues (as in my environment) or is it more than that? I seem to recall a Dr. asking me that question at one point through the years. Yes, I’ve been in this place before. I typically feel this way when things are not in my control. You see, I am a very controlling person by nature. I need things in my life to be just so, or everything else goes to hell in a handbasket. No, as far as I know, I do not need to be medicated..lol heh. How do I know? Been there done that. The problem with me is that I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn to live and feel alive. I have constrained myself to this little life of having to control everything and everyone, that when they are not in my control, I sort of freeze..no moving forward and no moving back. I just get irritated and want to start taking people down with me. Not in a mean way, but in the way I behave. You know, a real Debbie Downer. I tend to bottle a lot of crap in…A Lot. I mean, who wants to hear it really? The same crap, different day. Someday even with my writing, I reread what I have written and I feel so contrite. Almost embarrassed. I don’t take it down or delete it, because this is the one place where I have to be honest with myself. Even if it means writing crap that I feel, but will be horrified at it later on. It’s my way of seeing things in black and white instead of floating in my head, where I try to ignore a lot of things.
I’m pretty hot tempered, always have been, I’m not sure if I’m hot tempered because I get angry because I have lost control, or I get angry because I cannot change something, or if it is anger that has manifested itself from frustration. Make sense? I’m the type of person that get’s angry to the point that I cry. Or I get angry first THEN I cry. Either way, there will always be tears involved if I’m angry enough. What I also can tell you is that I have always tipped the emotional scale one way or the other. I’m also the person who cries at commercials, I cry when someone else is crying, I cry when someone I care about feels badly, I cry when I’m really happy and I cry if a song moves me. Yea..see? I’m probably a whack job by all definitions. 😉 Not really. I hope.
I have 3 children, as I think you all know by know. I also have 3 children who are VERY strong willed in one way or the other. I used to get so mad when my mother would say “Ohh, boy..they are going to be JUST LIKE YOU”. Of course I would first think “What the hell do you know ABOUT ME?” I mean, considering she never partook in any of my caregiving while growing up NOR did she ever stay in my life for ANY period of time. So, yea..”What the HELL DO YOU KNOW anyway?!” Apparently enough to know that yes, my kids are growing up with my attitude and my temperament. Some days I think “Oh lovely, they are just like me” and other days it’s more like “SHIT!! These kids are NUTS! just like ME!”
BUT, what I will say, as much as my kids are hard headed, stubborn, have short tempers and are difficult at best sometimes..they ALWAYS, ALWAYS come to us to talk about their problems. They tell us/me everything and when they are in trouble or having trouble, they come to us. They love to give hugs and be loved and they still love to be around us. Mostly. We did something right at least..right? Sometimes I admit, I worry about my oldest the most. He is 15…I wonder if I’ve done my very best getting him ready to be an adult. I wonder if I have given him enough, I wonder if we have given him enough. Let me share something. He went away for a couple days with his wrestling team these last couple days. I was leary and unsure, but we decided he deserved the chance to go. We told him he was on his own to make the right choices and to prove that he could be trusted without our constant checking in on him.
I could not have been more proud of him. The one thing that really stood out is a conversation that went like this. Now, unforuntately, the story is a very tragic story, but I will leave names out.
This is via text while he was driving to his destination.
“So and So just died”
Me- “What??!! OMG!!! ”
Me- “OMG!! These damn kids!!”
“I know they always make the wrong choices”
Me- “I’m so proud of you for making the RIGHT choices”
“Thanks mom, I love you”
Me-“I love you too”
Unfortunately, we lost a teen this weekend. I knew this teen, I spoke to this teen several times. He just graduated. His whole life ahead of him. Moments like that make me scared to death to be a parent. BUT, moments like the short conversation I had with my son, makes me PROUD to be a parent. So again..I hope to God, I am doing a good job. I make mistakes, I say things I should not say, I behave irrationally at times and I do yell a lot. I’m NOT perfect. I just hope that I do right more than I do wrong by my kids and by my husband who also gets the brunt of a LOT of my crap.
Much love to you all..
The irrational, crazy, controlling, emotionally challenged.. Me.