Monthly Archives: April 2013

247 & 246 Am I Taking Up Space?

I encourage everyone to download the book called “Taking Up Space” by Amber Evangeline. You can find it in the Kindle Store, as it’s an e-book. It will change your view on eating, and how badly the diet industry has screwed with our mentality. I’m having a bad leg image day today. I just look in the mirror and cringe at what I see. Other days I can look and think “YES! I have strong legs and they look like they are coming along” Today, I’m more like “Oh, GOD, is that what they tree stumps look like?!!” Dammit. I hate being this way.

Monday- April 29th (Day 247)

Rest Day

Tuesday- April30th (Day 246)

Re-starting Wendler again- I needed to get the weight of my bar sans weights to get a true gauge of how much I’m really lifting. Turns out my bar alone weighs 15lbs. Huh. Go figure. lol. So here it goes:

Today was an Overhead Press Day:

Warm-ups @ 5x25lbs, 5x30lbs,5x35lbs (which should have been 3 reps, but Denise does not read apparently)

Actual Workout:

5x40lbs, 5x45lbs, 8x50lbs (Which is a max rep set- the last one that is) (These weights are 65, 75, and 85% of 90% of my 1mr)

Assistive Exercises:

Hammers- 3×8@25lbs

Bent Over EZ Bar Rows-3×12@56lbs (I have to weigh this bar as well sans weights, I will do it next time)


Tricep Dips-5×15 with my bodyweight

Tomorrow will be Deadlift Day, then the next workout will be bench press day and then we go to Squats. That will be week 1. I will always add some assistive exercises to all these as well. I think tomorrow with deadlifts I do lunges (I will do walking lunges) and an ab exercise.

I still have 2 hours until I leave for work. I don’t know if I will run yet or not. I’ll let you know next post.


“I will never have skinny legs, I will  never have skinny legs” (chants to herself) I want strong legs, not bulky legs, but nicely defined strong legs. Without the cellulite please and thank you.

Days 250-248

Friday April 26th- Day 250

Rest Day (Worked from 3pm-3am anyway)

Saturday April 27th- Day 249

Ran 5.0 miles

Slept until 11ish, woke up got Sierra ready for her Chapter Championships, RAN, came home, showered and off to Jersey for Logan’s Region 7, competition. He was one of the top 3 in the State (Age group/level) to make the PA State All Star Team! Last competition of the season!

Which he did well in considering there was PA, NJ, DE, VA, WV, MA and NY representing with their best of the best. 4th for Vault, which was a shock since that was our weakness all year long- AND he got a heel contusion a week out.  9th on Pbars and 10th on Floor. IN THE REGION! So, I can’t complain and he was tickled. We also won 1st place as a team! Woot! The boys each got a nice gold medal and a big canvas sign.

Sunday April 28th- Day 248

Ran 5.0 miles (which I’m shocked I did, but it was a nice day and I felt  good)

So this is where you will shake your head at me. I’m thinking of doing Wendlers 5/3/1 program.  I bought his e-book and have been reading it. The only part I don’t like is the math. Since, I’m math illiterate, it may take me a while to get the hang of it. Today I tried to figure out my 1rm on the overhead press and I probably messed it up, I did it wrong as well as missing my warm up sets. I will start again tomorrow, so my workout is a little weird today. Pay no mind to it.

Overhead Press- 5@30lbs, 5@40lbs, 6@50lbs  (I should have had 3 warm up sets in here at lower %’s) AGAIN, still figuring the %’s out.

Shrugs- 3×15 @30lbs

DB Rows- 3×12@30lbs

Tri Dips-5×10 with my body weight

The last 3 were assistive exercises. The big lifts are the core of the workout. I will be doing 3/4 days with the big lifts being overhead press, benchpress, deadlift, and squat (all have their assistive on those days as well). I’m sure you will see some not hot looking workouts until I figure it out. This is  NOT a ripped in 30 days program, it  progresses with a deloading week at the end of each cycle.

If your interested, just look up Wendler 5/3/1. It’s more of a powerlifting program vs a bodybuilding program BUT, you can variate it to your liking, as long as you keep the basic premise. I, personally am not so much into powerlifting, but I like the fact that it is geared towards long-term gains vs short-term quick fixes. It will keep my interest longer I think.

Off to work tonight Different hours the last couple days, all in the name of the kid and their sports.


Days 257-251, Boy Am I a Hot Mess..

Hot messes, can be good though..yes? I’m all over the map lately, which is fine, but I probably appear to be a bit *off-balance* to those around me, and that is fine. I’m working through some stuff. I’m the only one that really matters at the end of the day. I’ll post my workouts first.

Friday- April 19th & Saturday April 20th

NADA (days 257-56)

Sunday, April 21- Day 255

Dumbell Rows- 5×5@25lbs

Bench Press- 5×5@71lbs

Hammers- 1×5 @20lbs and 2×5@25lbs

Military Presses aka overhead presses-5×5@20lbs

EZ Bar Rows-5×5@51lbs

Close Grip Press-1×7 @65 and 2×5 @65 (I don’t know what this was all about- too long ago)

Deadlifts-5×5@ 135lbs (My body weight baybay)

Monday- April 22nd – Day 254

Ran 5.0 miles

Tuesday- April 23rd- Day 253

Hammers- 5×5@25lbs

Deadlifts 3×5@141 (ROAR!!)

DB Rows- 2×5@25lbs, 2×5@30lbs (Bent over rows)

Bench Press- 5×5@75lbs

Upright Rows- 5×5 @45lbs

Walking Lunges- 4×10@35lbs

Military Presses- 5×5 @20lbs

Push-ups- 2×20 @ body weight (I HATE push ups. No, I really really do)

Wednesday- April 24th- Day 252

5.0 Mile Run

Thursday- April 25th- Day 251

Back Squats- 5×5@115lbs (I need a new weight belt, mine is too big)

Bent over EZ Bar Rows- 5×5@ 51lbs

Push ups- 2×20 (Have I mentioned I hate these? )

Overhead presses- 5×5@20lbs (Don’t do these with push ups. Just don’t)

Farmer Walk- 2×40 @35lbs

Walking Lunges- 4×10 @35lbs

So I have been trying to really focus on just the push/pull philosophy of training. Still trying to understand and know that ALL my muscle groups are being hit, without having to really do split sets. I will give it about 6 weeks total and then re-evaluate and let you know what I think. I have been getting messages asking for help. I’m honored, but I’m not 100% sure myself, so I don’t feel confident enough to help anyone else out. I just know that I have been doing my homework, reading, asking advice and trial and erroring. There are so many schools of thought out there on the *right* way to train, that you can make yourself nuts. I look in the mirror and I see gains, which makes me KNOW that I am doing something right. The only thing I am still playing with is the frequency and figuring out if I like the split routine vs the 3 a weeks. Whether I like Stronglifts or your basic bodybuilding routines.

I have pretty much thrown away the evil thoughts of being afraid to bulk, it just won’t happen. I have been lifting heavier and heavier since January and the only thing that has happened is I have nice definition in my upper body (WIN) and my lower body has become a little more compact and tight (WIN). I still have work to do, but at least SEEING the gains and progress keeps me focused. This is not a fad or a new trick if you will, this is the rest of my life. I’m 40, and In order for me to be healthy all the way around, this is part of the package. It isn’t work, because I enjoy it and I KNOW it is what is best for my body. Healthy bones, muscle and overall well-being (well-being is a state of mind that I am always working on).

I’m letting go more and more of the idea of distance running. I’m trying to focus more on the shorter distances, because A)it’s all I have time for and B) I think I’m over the distance portion of the running. I thought I could never say that out loud or even think of doing that, but the more I’m honest with myself, the more I realize that, that phase of my life is over. Now, I’m not saying that I am done racing because God knows I can still throw down in a 5k if I wanted to and I was race ready and who knows, the half is still dangling out there. HOWEVER, for right now, I’m okay with running every other day a few miles. I am thinking of adding some biking into my regimen as well. Running was so much of who I thought I was. Running is something I was in control of, and something that I thought made me happy. Running became so many more things that I did NOT like about myself.

Running was starting to make me OCD. It was feeding into a part of me that I knew was there, but it was making it worse. My running became a chore, a chore to make sure I got the miles in, a chore to try to keep up with my other running friends. It was about becoming faster, doing too much, not starting my days until I got my runs in. I was not fueling my runs properly, I was getting sick after long runs, I was beginning to fatigue during my runs (DUE TO LACK OF PROPER FUELING), I did not want to FUEL because I felt I did not need those extra calories. I also have learned that I have an eating problem. I cannot be a good endurance runner, if I’m dealing with eating issues. I have eating issues because I was/am never happy with my body image. Not eating meals or going long extended periods in a day without eating was normal for me (and something I still struggle with). People could probably look at me and not think there was an issue because, after all, I do not LOOK like someone who is starving. I screwed up my metabolism. I’m almost sure of it. My body was/is just holding on to everything in fear of starvation. I was running because It gave me control, or control that I thought I had. It no longer became because I enjoyed it. There were days that I went out and DON’T get me wrong, I loved it and it made me remember why I ran, but those runs were coming far and few anymore.

Running gave me permission to eat more (meaning I felt LESS guilt eating on the days that I ran vs the days I did not run). There I said it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. I do believe I have running talent. That I know is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. THAT is what I set out to work with. My natural talent, then somewhere along the line I got greedy and did too much and abused my body along the way. I would like to be able to get that back someday, but I don’t know if I could, I’m getting older now and well, who knows really. Then I kept at it because I did not want to lose friends, friends that I thought were friends because they ran too and we had something in common, but I wonder sometimes that without the running, will they still be my friends? What else do we have in common?

I have such a not healthy body image. I always have. I will never be the skinny girl, BUT, I am learning that I DON’T really want to be the skinny girl. I want to be the physically fit girl. Which may mean the number on the scale going up in order to make room for the muscle that I’m building. That horrifies me as well. It’s just a number right? It does not mean you are fat or overweight, it just means your more fit and muscular. Muscle weighs more than fat. I have to keep telling myself that.

I’m having all these little emotional growth spurts in my head and they were all about due to happen anyway, because I cannot keep living the way I was. Something had/has to change. I need to really start living my life. I mean really living it. I don’t think I was/am. I think I’m just existing and floating through it. I have great kids, a great supportive husband, and the very few friends I have,I would like to think they love me. I can do this. It will just take time. I’m not emotional Picasso, but, after so many falls, I have to eventually stop falling so much right?

Love- D.

From Mondays run






Monday 4/15 (Day 261)

4 mile Run

Day 260

Upright Rows- 5×5 @51lbs

Military Presses- 5×5@20lbs

Bench Press-5×5@65lbs

Hammers (because this is my most favorite exercise) 3×5@25lbs

One Arm DB Rows- 5×5@35lbs

Day 259


Day 258

Today was a leg day as well, so it was a pretty long workout. Still tinkering and figuring out good push/pull movements to give me the bang for my buck I’m looking for. Some of these are redundant, BUT, coming from years of split workouts, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around how some exercises automatically work the smaller muscle groups. I have been learning so many new things regarding weight training my head is spinning! Still trying to find that ground with running AND weight training. Try and try until I get it right!

Deadlifts- 5×5@115lbs

Back Squats-5×5@115lbs (there are some people that think you cannot do these two on the same day- FALSE)

Plie Squats-3×10@35 lbs (I don’t NEED to do these, I just do)

Leg Extensions- 5×5@70lbs (Same with these. I don’t do them often, but every once in a while)

DB Upright Rows (a switch from the ez bar)5×5@25lbs (I find that I can go heavier with the EZ bar than the DB’s)

Bench Press- 5×5@65lbs (I did this at the very, bad move, I need to order my lifts a bit better, the way these are written down are not the order that I do them in)

Tricep Extensions- 5×5@20lbs (Same with these not a need one can easily do a close grip BB press and hit the triceps as well)

Hammers-5×5 @20lbs (again, don’t need these, just love em’)

Military presses 5×5@20lbs (I’m learning to love these as well It’s very important to watch your form on these especially as you go up in weight)

Bent Over EZ Bar Rows- 5×5@51lbs

This took about an hour. I don’t like being in there that long. What I have learned and am continuing to learn is that you really only need a few exercises (push/pull) to really hit ALL your  muscle groups. It’s taking me a while to get out of the split routine mentality. I’m a little stubborn that way. I’m also learning that lifting heavy is NOT a bad thing. It WON’T make me bulk. I need to EAT to feed the muscle. Calories in are still an issue for me, and I think they always will be. I have come from years of restricting because I have believed that you need to restrict to lose, what I did not realize was that I was damaging my metabolism in doing so. Restricting works in the immediate term, but when one wants to lose more one must restrict more. The body was NOT MEANT to live on 12-1500 calories. That is a hard concept to get through ones head in this day and age. I have found that my BMR is around 1300 calories. Can you imagine if I was only eating 1500 calories AND working out?? This is how society lives for the most part the *diet* industry has really fucked with our minds. Eat less! NO! Eat more! Fix that metabolism!

Does that mean eat more crap? NO! Does it mean you can’t eat crap once in a while?! NO! It means make generally healthy food choices and it is MORE THAN FINE to have your treats! Be active, stay active and FEED THAT DAMN BODY!!

I’m still struggling with running, I’m still dealing with fatigue and being tired, which honestly, stems from me still trying to eat the food. I’m still fighting with my sleep and I fear I have some long-term effects from working for the last year plus at night. I’m guessing it will take me awhile to find the happy medium. I still work nights, but I’m down to 2 nights. It still seems to be an issue. Whatever. Eventually I will figure it all out.

Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now

I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.


I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.

I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in.  I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did.  I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words.  After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.

I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.

Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.

262.. This Raising teens thing is painful.

A rough last hour spent arguing/talking at our oldest about how important this phase of his educational life is. Trying to get him to understand that you just don’t show up to school to say you went, or handing In an assignment with no mind to whether its right or wrong is not acceptable. Only to be answered with “It’s my life, not yours”, leaves me feeling like I was punched in the gut. I Am not sure how to get through these next few years. It’s our responsibility to put out productive young adults into our society. I’m lost at how to get him to see, feel, and believe he is so much better than he allows himself to be. He has that potential to make people look twice at not only who he is but what he can truly do. I’m frustrated and heartbroken right now. He is wonderfully kind, empathetic and insightful. He is highly intellectual about a lot of things, but chooses to blend in to the background to the point of not being seen or heard. Often letting people get the best of him or assume he is less than he is.

He has gotten better, don’t get me wrong and I am proud of him with lots of things, but I just don’t know how to get him to see the Importance of school and grades. Help. He is very erratic. Up, down, up, down. It isn’t always a question of can he do it, sometimes it’s a matter of he just does not always care. I want to be positive and I admit that I lose my patience because I KNOW he is better than what he gives.


I ran 5 miles

Today was the first day of my new routine

Back squats- 3×10@ 70lbs
Deadlifts- 3×10@70lbs
Plié squats-3×12@ 35lbs

Military presses-5×5@15
Reverse pull ups-2×8 BW (these are new and a little hard for me)
Bench presses-5×5@65lbs
Upright rows-5×5@45lbs
Tricep kickbacks-3×12@15 lbs

I will have to play with this a bit more. Go a little heavier on some and add or take away some. Trial and error.


Woke up early, but drifted In and out until 11. Drug myself out of bed after the banging in the backyard would not stop, thanks to the oldest.

Got in 5 miles, it could have been either 10 degrees warmer with the wind or 5 degrees warmer sans the wind. I always forget how much I hate running in the gusts. Until a gusty day is upon me. I’m at the point in the month with my hormonal shifts that not only do my moods suck, but my runs do as well. I hate these times. Sluggish, grumpy, pissy and mean. No weights today. Tomorrow I’m shifting to 3 days a week vs my split routine I’ve been doing.

Long day, ups and downs and I’m over it all. Night yo’


264…and then there was a rest day..


Woke up at 330..and stayed In my pj’s rest of night. Before you judge, I worked a 12 hour night shift. It was raining on my drive home in the morning and still drizzling when I woke. It was freezing, grey, and dreary. Matched my mood.

Quick rant, you know it’s a little upsetting when I say I am feeling a certain way and only 1 person out of say a small handful reach out to talk to me. Friends? This is why I often feel the way I do. People often prove me right. Sooo, I continue to stay and keep to myself. Life continues, right?


Blah, Blah,Blah

Sometimes, I’ll admit it’s what I feel like saying when people talk to me sometimes. Like why is that? I mean, I’m a mature adult and I try to be respectful and kind to other people, but hot damn has my patience run short a lot in the last… Oh I don’t know 2 YEARS of my life!!! Sometimes, I’m not quite sure what people are thinking when they open their mouth, and sadly I think it’s because they just talk to run their traps. I’m a loner for the most part and I’m beginning to think I’m actually ok with that. I have a couple close friends who I love to talk to, and I love to see when I get the chance, but mostly I don’t do too much with hardly anyone but my family. I am totally ok with that.

I can’t allow myself to get mixed up in fake pleasantries, political townie politics and my kid is better than your kid at this sport said bull shit. It’s another season of Spring sports. Another season of big macho conceited spewing shit coming from kids and parents alike. Another season of degrading one another, cheering for one kid but not the next kid. From sitting in cliquish circles to over hearing gossip from 3 chairs down. I don’t know how to deal with another year of all the bull crap. I just want to sit and watch The sport. I want to cheer for the kids and support them. I don’t want to be the overbearing WIN WIN WIN parent, who is nothing more than a failure in their life and wants to live vicariously through their child’s. I won’t be the parent who raises their child to think it’s ok to make fun of or degrade someone else’s child. I won’t be the parent who doesn’t teach their child that being good and humble at the same time is a good character trait to have.

I want to be the parent who teaches their child the true value of sportsmanship, teamwork and friendship. The parent that teaches their kid to be the kind of person that people respect and look up to. That knows cheating is wrong and treating their teammates negatively is not acceptable. To be the kid that when everyone else walks away, they are the ones that stay and sit quietly next to you in support of you. Too many parents raise egotistical monsters with no manners and no people skills. It’s a wonder we have the problems we do in this world. Take a look and do some weeding in your own backyard. Are you putting out weeds or daisies?

HarsH ReaLiTy

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