Daily Archives: April 19, 2013

261-258

Monday 4/15 (Day 261)

4 mile Run

Day 260

Upright Rows- 5×5 @51lbs

Military Presses- 5×5@20lbs

Bench Press-5×5@65lbs

Hammers (because this is my most favorite exercise) 3×5@25lbs

One Arm DB Rows- 5×5@35lbs

Day 259

Rest.

Day 258

Today was a leg day as well, so it was a pretty long workout. Still tinkering and figuring out good push/pull movements to give me the bang for my buck I’m looking for. Some of these are redundant, BUT, coming from years of split workouts, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around how some exercises automatically work the smaller muscle groups. I have been learning so many new things regarding weight training my head is spinning! Still trying to find that ground with running AND weight training. Try and try until I get it right!

Deadlifts- 5×5@115lbs

Back Squats-5×5@115lbs (there are some people that think you cannot do these two on the same day- FALSE)

Plie Squats-3×10@35 lbs (I don’t NEED to do these, I just do)

Leg Extensions- 5×5@70lbs (Same with these. I don’t do them often, but every once in a while)

DB Upright Rows (a switch from the ez bar)5×5@25lbs (I find that I can go heavier with the EZ bar than the DB’s)

Bench Press- 5×5@65lbs (I did this at the very, bad move, I need to order my lifts a bit better, the way these are written down are not the order that I do them in)

Tricep Extensions- 5×5@20lbs (Same with these not a need one can easily do a close grip BB press and hit the triceps as well)

Hammers-5×5 @20lbs (again, don’t need these, just love em’)

Military presses 5×5@20lbs (I’m learning to love these as well It’s very important to watch your form on these especially as you go up in weight)

Bent Over EZ Bar Rows- 5×5@51lbs

This took about an hour. I don’t like being in there that long. What I have learned and am continuing to learn is that you really only need a few exercises (push/pull) to really hit ALL your  muscle groups. It’s taking me a while to get out of the split routine mentality. I’m a little stubborn that way. I’m also learning that lifting heavy is NOT a bad thing. It WON’T make me bulk. I need to EAT to feed the muscle. Calories in are still an issue for me, and I think they always will be. I have come from years of restricting because I have believed that you need to restrict to lose, what I did not realize was that I was damaging my metabolism in doing so. Restricting works in the immediate term, but when one wants to lose more one must restrict more. The body was NOT MEANT to live on 12-1500 calories. That is a hard concept to get through ones head in this day and age. I have found that my BMR is around 1300 calories. Can you imagine if I was only eating 1500 calories AND working out?? This is how society lives for the most part the *diet* industry has really fucked with our minds. Eat less! NO! Eat more! Fix that metabolism!

Does that mean eat more crap? NO! Does it mean you can’t eat crap once in a while?! NO! It means make generally healthy food choices and it is MORE THAN FINE to have your treats! Be active, stay active and FEED THAT DAMN BODY!!

I’m still struggling with running, I’m still dealing with fatigue and being tired, which honestly, stems from me still trying to eat the food. I’m still fighting with my sleep and I fear I have some long-term effects from working for the last year plus at night. I’m guessing it will take me awhile to find the happy medium. I still work nights, but I’m down to 2 nights. It still seems to be an issue. Whatever. Eventually I will figure it all out.

Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now

I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.

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I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.

I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in.  I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did.  I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words.  After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.

I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.

Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.

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