Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now

I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.


I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.

I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in.  I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did.  I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words.  After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.

I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.

Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.

About runningawaywithme

I'm a mom to 3 gorgeous children and married to a wonderful guy! I work in Critical Care and I classify myself on some levels as an adreneline junky. However, I am terrified of heights! Go figure! Im dedicated to running and physical fitness. There are no excuses good enough to not keep yourself healthy in body and in mind.

Posted on April 19, 2013, in Personal Growth and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. AMEN!

  2. Hey just got home and didn’t see your elaboration on my phone when I posted the Amen. I don’t know about anyone else and I can’t speak for them but I can for myself and I really wish you had been there. I didn’t reach out because to tell you the truth life got in the way and things got busy and rushed. Crap Ken only got like 5 minutes notice that I was heading down to Philly on Thursday evening and he didn’t even get a kiss good bye. There is a meeting up on Sunday that you are more than welcome to come too though no details have been firmed up as of yet. I care about your feelings and I’m sure the others do as well and I only take the time to write this because I do care whether you believe it or not that’s up to you and how you really and truly feel. I have learned from experience that things are what you make of it. Yes I have my days where I don’t always feel that way but at the end I find of the day I find myself making lemonade out of the lemons life hands me. Try to not take things to personal and you will find yourself much happier. If people don’t reach out it’s not always because they don’t care sometimes they get busy and get swept away with the business of life, something you know a bit about I’m sure.

    Take care my friend and be well!

  3. I’ve been thinking more about your post and let me say . I would have bent over backwards trying to figure out a schedule that worked for you but you said you were too busy to check your schedule. You can’t have things both ways either your too busy or your not. Don’t expect everyone to make the moves, make some yourself. Thursday happened very quickly. Had you not left the conversation on FB you would have had the same amount of time to figure out if you could do it or not, I had less than 5 minutes from when Ken, Frankie and I got home before heading down to Jill’s. I Didn’t have time to kiss Ken good bye let alone try to figure out how and if you would be able to get to Jill’s house by 6 when it was already almost 5 pm and she lives an hour away. You are more than welcome to join everyone on Sunday, but you have to make the decision if you can or not.Don’t expect people to check in on you to see if your still busy. Try going out of your way to make yourself available and if you can’t try to be at least be happy for those who were able too. Take responsibility for your emotions and your actions!

    I care about you Denise but you can’t close yourself off and then get upset at people when they don’t seek you out

  4. Ughhhh I hope I didn’t just make things worse. I suck at getting my thoughts through. Anyway insecurities SUCK ASS! . Try believing in yourself and leaving the rest behind. Don’t let the insecurities rob you of more than they already have!

    • You did not make it worst. It is what it is. I work an unconventional schedule and its taken its toll on me. The part that makes me feel bad is that no one reached out again. Of course I could have but I didn’t. Bonds have been formed with certain people and I have felt left out from the beginning. My issue. I don’t know how to fix it. I want to, but don’t know how to. I can’t always take off and drive down there. Meh.. I’m just upset and ill get over it. This is my weekend to work. So I’m out.

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