Category Archives: Personal Growth
Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now
I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.
I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.
I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in. I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did. I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words. After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.
I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.
Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.
A rough last hour spent arguing/talking at our oldest about how important this phase of his educational life is. Trying to get him to understand that you just don’t show up to school to say you went, or handing In an assignment with no mind to whether its right or wrong is not acceptable. Only to be answered with “It’s my life, not yours”, leaves me feeling like I was punched in the gut. I Am not sure how to get through these next few years. It’s our responsibility to put out productive young adults into our society. I’m lost at how to get him to see, feel, and believe he is so much better than he allows himself to be. He has that potential to make people look twice at not only who he is but what he can truly do. I’m frustrated and heartbroken right now. He is wonderfully kind, empathetic and insightful. He is highly intellectual about a lot of things, but chooses to blend in to the background to the point of not being seen or heard. Often letting people get the best of him or assume he is less than he is.
He has gotten better, don’t get me wrong and I am proud of him with lots of things, but I just don’t know how to get him to see the Importance of school and grades. Help. He is very erratic. Up, down, up, down. It isn’t always a question of can he do it, sometimes it’s a matter of he just does not always care. I want to be positive and I admit that I lose my patience because I KNOW he is better than what he gives.
I ran 5 miles
Today was the first day of my new routine
Back squats- 3×10@ 70lbs
Plié squats-3×12@ 35lbs
Reverse pull ups-2×8 BW (these are new and a little hard for me)
Tricep kickbacks-3×12@15 lbs
I will have to play with this a bit more. Go a little heavier on some and add or take away some. Trial and error.
Sometimes, I’ll admit it’s what I feel like saying when people talk to me sometimes. Like why is that? I mean, I’m a mature adult and I try to be respectful and kind to other people, but hot damn has my patience run short a lot in the last… Oh I don’t know 2 YEARS of my life!!! Sometimes, I’m not quite sure what people are thinking when they open their mouth, and sadly I think it’s because they just talk to run their traps. I’m a loner for the most part and I’m beginning to think I’m actually ok with that. I have a couple close friends who I love to talk to, and I love to see when I get the chance, but mostly I don’t do too much with hardly anyone but my family. I am totally ok with that.
I can’t allow myself to get mixed up in fake pleasantries, political townie politics and my kid is better than your kid at this sport said bull shit. It’s another season of Spring sports. Another season of big macho conceited spewing shit coming from kids and parents alike. Another season of degrading one another, cheering for one kid but not the next kid. From sitting in cliquish circles to over hearing gossip from 3 chairs down. I don’t know how to deal with another year of all the bull crap. I just want to sit and watch The sport. I want to cheer for the kids and support them. I don’t want to be the overbearing WIN WIN WIN parent, who is nothing more than a failure in their life and wants to live vicariously through their child’s. I won’t be the parent who raises their child to think it’s ok to make fun of or degrade someone else’s child. I won’t be the parent who doesn’t teach their child that being good and humble at the same time is a good character trait to have.
I want to be the parent who teaches their child the true value of sportsmanship, teamwork and friendship. The parent that teaches their kid to be the kind of person that people respect and look up to. That knows cheating is wrong and treating their teammates negatively is not acceptable. To be the kid that when everyone else walks away, they are the ones that stay and sit quietly next to you in support of you. Too many parents raise egotistical monsters with no manners and no people skills. It’s a wonder we have the problems we do in this world. Take a look and do some weeding in your own backyard. Are you putting out weeds or daisies?
Dx of Acute Sinusitis baybeeee!! Lovely. I assumed this was just a cold, you know, who goes to the Dr. for a cold..hence my reason why I did not go in to the Dr. sooner. I don’t know what it is, but I have this issue with people who run to the Dr. for every.little.thing. So, yes..I waited. Ahem..Apparently too long. Whatever. It is now what it is and I have a script for Augmentin and a missed day of work. I don’t think it would be so bad if it were not for my ears feeling like they want to pop out of my head, made worse by bending over. Again, whatever. I am just annoyed all around at this point.
I’m not sure what is going on with me, but my temper is short fused lately and I’m feeling generally annoyed. Women..do you know that whole feeling of, “Leave me the hell alone!” , followed by “Why the HELL Is everyone ignoring me OR NOT paying attention to me!”. Yes. Exactly. I feel all of it going on at the same time. What is that? Hormones? Getting older? Feeling stressed in general? Rushed? No time for anything? What gives people?!! I’m over it and I’m sure my family is probably over it. Yesterday already.
Another day of not working out. Again. Meh. I’ll just sit here and..and..pout? Rot? be angry? Find reasons to be angry? Stew? be sad? Frustrated? depressed? or is it blue? Are you technically depressed if you feel down? Or is it feeling blue? “Awww, someone’s got the blues today”. I mean, I’m not laying in bed all day everyday, in the dark, listening to sad music. At least not yet anyway. Heh. I guess you can say I have my peaks and valleys. Or valleys and peaks. Or mountains and pits. Call it what you will..it waxes and wanes.
I wonder if I sense a pattern here. Lately I seem more down than up. Is it because of environmental issues (as in my environment) or is it more than that? I seem to recall a Dr. asking me that question at one point through the years. Yes, I’ve been in this place before. I typically feel this way when things are not in my control. You see, I am a very controlling person by nature. I need things in my life to be just so, or everything else goes to hell in a handbasket. No, as far as I know, I do not need to be medicated..lol heh. How do I know? Been there done that. The problem with me is that I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn to live and feel alive. I have constrained myself to this little life of having to control everything and everyone, that when they are not in my control, I sort of freeze..no moving forward and no moving back. I just get irritated and want to start taking people down with me. Not in a mean way, but in the way I behave. You know, a real Debbie Downer. I tend to bottle a lot of crap in…A Lot. I mean, who wants to hear it really? The same crap, different day. Someday even with my writing, I reread what I have written and I feel so contrite. Almost embarrassed. I don’t take it down or delete it, because this is the one place where I have to be honest with myself. Even if it means writing crap that I feel, but will be horrified at it later on. It’s my way of seeing things in black and white instead of floating in my head, where I try to ignore a lot of things.
I’m pretty hot tempered, always have been, I’m not sure if I’m hot tempered because I get angry because I have lost control, or I get angry because I cannot change something, or if it is anger that has manifested itself from frustration. Make sense? I’m the type of person that get’s angry to the point that I cry. Or I get angry first THEN I cry. Either way, there will always be tears involved if I’m angry enough. What I also can tell you is that I have always tipped the emotional scale one way or the other. I’m also the person who cries at commercials, I cry when someone else is crying, I cry when someone I care about feels badly, I cry when I’m really happy and I cry if a song moves me. Yea..see? I’m probably a whack job by all definitions. 😉 Not really. I hope.
I have 3 children, as I think you all know by know. I also have 3 children who are VERY strong willed in one way or the other. I used to get so mad when my mother would say “Ohh, boy..they are going to be JUST LIKE YOU”. Of course I would first think “What the hell do you know ABOUT ME?” I mean, considering she never partook in any of my caregiving while growing up NOR did she ever stay in my life for ANY period of time. So, yea..”What the HELL DO YOU KNOW anyway?!” Apparently enough to know that yes, my kids are growing up with my attitude and my temperament. Some days I think “Oh lovely, they are just like me” and other days it’s more like “SHIT!! These kids are NUTS! just like ME!”
BUT, what I will say, as much as my kids are hard headed, stubborn, have short tempers and are difficult at best sometimes..they ALWAYS, ALWAYS come to us to talk about their problems. They tell us/me everything and when they are in trouble or having trouble, they come to us. They love to give hugs and be loved and they still love to be around us. Mostly. We did something right at least..right? Sometimes I admit, I worry about my oldest the most. He is 15…I wonder if I’ve done my very best getting him ready to be an adult. I wonder if I have given him enough, I wonder if we have given him enough. Let me share something. He went away for a couple days with his wrestling team these last couple days. I was leary and unsure, but we decided he deserved the chance to go. We told him he was on his own to make the right choices and to prove that he could be trusted without our constant checking in on him.
I could not have been more proud of him. The one thing that really stood out is a conversation that went like this. Now, unforuntately, the story is a very tragic story, but I will leave names out.
This is via text while he was driving to his destination.
“So and So just died”
Me- “What??!! OMG!!! ”
Me- “OMG!! These damn kids!!”
“I know they always make the wrong choices”
Me- “I’m so proud of you for making the RIGHT choices”
“Thanks mom, I love you”
Me-“I love you too”
Unfortunately, we lost a teen this weekend. I knew this teen, I spoke to this teen several times. He just graduated. His whole life ahead of him. Moments like that make me scared to death to be a parent. BUT, moments like the short conversation I had with my son, makes me PROUD to be a parent. So again..I hope to God, I am doing a good job. I make mistakes, I say things I should not say, I behave irrationally at times and I do yell a lot. I’m NOT perfect. I just hope that I do right more than I do wrong by my kids and by my husband who also gets the brunt of a LOT of my crap.
Much love to you all..
The irrational, crazy, controlling, emotionally challenged.. Me.
I’m stuck folks. I don’t know what to do. It should be easy right? I’ve had friends tell me to just ditch it and never look back. They promised to follow my blog to keep up with me and I would do the same with them. Some have resorted to texting, which, truth be told, I like that best. Everyone who knows me, knows that texting is my thing. I try to avoid real live phone calls as much as I can. I don’t know why, I just do. Perhaps there is some sort of discomfort in it? I don’t like talking on the phone, I don’t like the way my voice sounds and I feel nervous. Nervous that I don’t sound like I know what I’m talking about OR more importantly, my attention span is very short. I tend to wander off in my mind often. Not that I don’t value what someone has to say, but at times I can be..well..a space cadet of sorts. You know what? That is not fair for me to say that, It is more like I have a constant chain of thoughts going on in my mind at any given time. I never shut up truth be told. Maybe you can’t hear it, but damn I sure can.
It also takes me a while to be able to have a conversation with someone in real life as well. I wonder things such as: “Do I look ok?”, “Do I look/sound funny when I talk?”, “Do people take me seriously?”, “Do I look them in the eye? Or is looking them in the eye creepy?”, “I think I’m looking away too much, look back at them Denise.” , “Do I need to get my eyebrows done again? Oh, God, they are looking at my eyebrows!!!” I wish I could say I was kidding, but I’m really not.
Facebook sometimes makes it too easy for people to behave and become people they are not. It becomes to easy to judge someone solely based on their status updates. It makes it too easy to continue to be an introvert. Passive aggressive, fakes, liars, braggarts, idiots, jerks etc..etc.. TRUST ME, I know some people think the same of me. THEN, it leads to becoming easily hooked on how many people like your updates, how many people like your pictures, how many people comment on what you have to say. Getting your feelings hurt over ridiculous crap, like, “How is it that I like or comment on your shit, yet you can’t step outside your self centered self to comment on my crap?” Which leads to, “I’m unfriending you, you self centered jerk” or “You know what, see if I ever comment on your updates again!! TAKE THAT!” Which 9 times out of 10 never results in an unfriending and I ultimately end up liking your dumb post.
What is so hard about just walking away? It is an addiction? What is it about Facebook that makes it difficult to quit? Is it the realization that if I do that, then I’m faced to realize that I really don’t have many real life friends? Which leads me to, why don’t I have a lot of real life friends? I’m picky. Very picky about who I keep company with. OR maybe I’m not picky, but that insecure about myself. I’m a homebody by choice, BUT, in all fairness to myself, once you get me out of the house and in the company of friends or other people, I usually do fine. I eventually open up and eventually I have a good time. It’s the getting me there that is the issue.
I often try to think of what kind of person that I am. Someone once called me passive agressive and I thought about it for awhile and I really don’t think that I am. I mean I don’t fit the definition 100%. I have some characteristics, but I think we all hold some characteristics of a lot of personality disorders. We have already discussed that I’m insecure, maybe the other half of that is shy? See, I don’t know. I’m very VERY opionated, probably too much so sometimes. I can be critical as well, but mostly with myself. I try to be a good person, and I often care TOO much about things..especially people. I care what people think of me, even when I say I don’t a lot of the time. Maybe I am just this insecure person who constantly seeks the approval of others. Wanting to fit in somewhere, but just not knowing where.
I labeled this as both running and personal growth. Why? Well, because I feel my running is partly about my personal growth as well.
As y’all have heard, I’m at a bit of an impasse right now. I just seem frozen. No moving forward and no going back. Why am I making this so damned difficult. I think part of the reason why, is because over the last few years, I have tried so hard to make running not who I am, that it has indeed become that. Running was always a sure thing in my life. It gave me grounding and self discipline.
Running for me has always been all or nothing. I hate that. I hate seeing everyone else’s goals and having none of my own. Makes me self pity myself. Then I look back over the years and see I never really had consistency, never really stuck to a paper plan. Just ran mostly and threw races in there. I always wanted to get faster and I know I have it in me. That was my goal, then I had to go back to work. Everything went to hell from there.
I know, I know. People work and I need to get over it. I have been a stay at home mom and wife for the last 10 years. The transition has been awful. Part of me hates it and resents it, part of me is glad I did. It takes some of the load off my husband and it gives me time away from home to be me, on my own If that makes sense. I just don’t like the impact it has taken on me physically. It truly has taken a toll on me. I have no outlet now. I’m either sleeping or tired. It really is no way to live. It just is not. Something has to give.
Which brings me to where I am today. No direction. Just here. Getting through every day. Playing it by ear if you will. What else can I do?
This is not my workout entry, as that will come later. I just got home from work and crawled into bed.
Work was busy last night, but I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to those of you who greeted me with such warmth and love. I was nervous and scared at how my night would go. It went as well as I could have hoped.
Sometimes in life I think you just have to be. What I mean by that is, live your emotions. Don’t hide them. Feel them and embrace them. This is my time to grieve, it’s my family’s time to grieve. I worried for a bit about how much was too much, would people get tired of hearing me ache and try and work through this. Would they start to roll their eyes when I talked about it yet again, or would they ignore my words all together.
What I have found is just the opposite. For that I am grateful. The words and love have helped me get through this tough time. Those that have made me laugh when I just did not have it in me.. (Cletus) and those that simply hugged me. Really hugged me hard. Thank you. Truly. It will never be forgotten.