Ugh. Why do I have to make this so difficult? I don’t know why I allow myself to struggle so much with my body image. Yesterday I was happy, yes. It was not long after before all the self doubt began to creep into my head, like, “What are you doing? Why would you want to weight train an already big body? Why would you run the risk of growing and having the scale go up as well as your clothing size to fit your legs?”
I don’t truly know where the happy medium is. Everything inside me screams to go back to the higher mileage running, burn those calories, but the reality is that slow sustained cardio is not the answer. It may have worked the first year, but it slowed way down. Then I think, what was I doing when I weighed 125. Ahhh, I was running higher mileage and NOT eating due to stress and job challenges with my husband. Of course.. But I think that is where I probably started damaging my metabolism. I think I lived on and off that way for about a year. Don’t get me wrong, running is good! I have learned that running for so long, eventually stops working or slows down the weight loss tremendously after a period of time. I know in my head that weight training, combined with SOME cardio is MUCH better. I have this little whisper that keeps saying, you can get back to 125 if you cut your calories way back down and run longer again. No. I have to keep forging forward, continue on the path that I am, to prove to myself that I’m doing the right thing.
It’s probably safe to say that unless you have struggled with this, you could never truly appreciate what goes on inside our train of thinking. I can look at a picture of myself, and be happy, but as soon as you associate a number with it such as weight or body fat %, all of that goes out the window. I realize I AM truly a prisoner to the number. I need to not be.
This journey has made me realize that I need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with my body. Baby steps. I think yes. So bear with me while I work through some of this crap.