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Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now

I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.

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I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.

I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in.  I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did.  I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words.  After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.

I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.

Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.

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