Blog Archives

Days 222-206. I’m still here!

I have just been busy with summer sports, work and getting my yard beautified! It seems like this 2 days a week work thing is really working and jiving with me and my family. Yes! It only took almost 2 years to figure it all out, but thankfully, it’s working itself out. I am very grateful that I have a place of employment that has worked with me and a family that has been so supportive through this big transition.

We are heading into the summer gym schedule (yea!) and we are into baseball and softball season. Sierra has amazed us with her softball skilz! She is a beast out there! Who knew?? For a little thing, she is a monster! We continue to struggle with Legion Ball politics and playing time for our eldest, and we sit on the fence on whether to pull him out or not. I won’t get into that here, since I don’t want to offend anyone. As much as I’d like to and as big of an opinion that I have, it’s shocking I know, but I will refrain on this one topic!

As for me, I’m still plugging along with my weight training and just completed week 4 of Wendler, since coming back from my Oral Surgery. I love the program and have seen gains! This week is my de-load week and then I start up Cycle 2. I’m dealing with a terrible chest cold, but have managed to finish up this weeks workout. I don’t feel like putting in the last 4 weeks of workouts, so I won’t! What I have done is the main lifts for that day and then did 5×10 of the same lift at about 50%, added in a couple assistives and called it a day. I slowly started adding cardio back in and did my first speed session on Thursday. Gabriel and I did 10×100 meter sprints (with a mile warm up and mile cool down). That was tough, especially since I have not done speed in a good few months, probably more. However, it felt good to turn the legs over and see I still have my speed for the most part. I’m not concerned with the mileage at all this go round. I have found that I am much happier in that regard.

I am evolving into this person, that I actually like. I have left some old friendships by the wayside, and have made some news ones and appreciate the old ones even more! I cannot thank them enough for all they have given me in this last 1.5 years. I am more confident in who I am, loving the direction I am taking in life by becoming a Personal Trainer (yes! This makes me feel all giddy to say it!), so many people have encouraged me to do so, and even though it has always been a deep dark secret of mine, it’s finally good to say it out loud and to know that people have felt the same way as I have. I love talking about fitness and I love helping people. Once that is done, I will get my Fitness Nutrition Certification. As for Nursing? It’s still in there, but I’m not sure it gives me the same thrill as Personal Training does when I think of it.  I need to do something that will give me a feeling of accomplishment, of being able to help people, of getting my message out. I have spent far too long hiding under the radar, being afraid to speak of what I know, acting like I am less than I am when around certain people. I know this stuff! I know A LOT about Fitness. I have a lot to learn, but I have a good base. I am always  reading and learning and asking. I look at myself in the mirror and know that what I see, I have done myself. I would love to be able to help others in that same way.

I don’t look like a fitness model or a physique model, but, I don’t look half bad for doing it on my own. I also know that I have not done the whole 9 yards, and if I did, I’m sure I would look even better than I do. Right now, I am taking small steps, because I feel that taking small steps help make the most lasting impressions on your body. I want to be able to get the message out that lifting is good and it is nothing to be afraid of. I want people to know how important and fantastic exercise can be! I want to teach them how to do it right and how to learn to love it. I’ve been doing this now for over 100 days! I’ve stuck by it and have remained committed to it. It has not been easy and I have had some down days, but I keep getting up and getting back to it. I’m no goody two shoes, or do I constantly preach to burn people out, I just sit quietly in the background waiting to help if needed.

I know I said I was not going to post all of the last xx amount of days workouts, but, I will just post  yesterdays. This week is my deload week, like I said.

Day 206 (June 9th)

Main lift is the deadlift

Deadlift (warm up)5×75, 5×91 and 3×111

Actual-5×141, 3×155, and 1+x175 (I did 5) (Last week was 5+) it may be hard to understand this since you are not seeing the previous weeks workout. IF you want to know about it, just look up Wendler’s 5/3/1 and I’m doing the BBB version of it.

Then:

5 x 10 @91 lbs (which is my 50%)

Supersetted with:

Hip Thrusts (alternating single leg and normal) 5×25@30lbs

Ended with 3×10 @ 35lbs of walking lunges.

Yes, I’m still struggling with the eating. I’m getting much better though. I have learned that to build muscle you have to FEED yourself. You CANNOT gain muscle in a deficit. So the theory of cutting calories AND building muscle is not a good one. Pick one, and then go to the other. This is where bulking and cutting come into play. I will do a very  modified version of both at some junction. Which, I will share with you down the road. For now, I’m just focusing on this. I have NOT gained massive amounts of weight by cutting back my cardio either! I have pretty much maintained, with a small gain of lean muscle. I’m ok with that. I track my measurements and scale weight together. We all know the scale is NOT a good indicator of much of anything. It can help you gauge, but anything more than that, don’t go by it’s word alone. I have found that my weight can fluctuate by as much as *GASP* 8 lbs!! Yes, I said that. 8 LBS!! My body loves to hold on to water, especially now with weight training. The key is to drink more, but I have a love hate relationship with water.

I guess I have blabbed enough for now. Talk soon!

 

 

 

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Days 257-251, Boy Am I a Hot Mess..

Hot messes, can be good though..yes? I’m all over the map lately, which is fine, but I probably appear to be a bit *off-balance* to those around me, and that is fine. I’m working through some stuff. I’m the only one that really matters at the end of the day. I’ll post my workouts first.

Friday- April 19th & Saturday April 20th

NADA (days 257-56)

Sunday, April 21- Day 255

Dumbell Rows- 5×5@25lbs

Bench Press- 5×5@71lbs

Hammers- 1×5 @20lbs and 2×5@25lbs

Military Presses aka overhead presses-5×5@20lbs

EZ Bar Rows-5×5@51lbs

Close Grip Press-1×7 @65 and 2×5 @65 (I don’t know what this was all about- too long ago)

Deadlifts-5×5@ 135lbs (My body weight baybay)

Monday- April 22nd – Day 254

Ran 5.0 miles

Tuesday- April 23rd- Day 253

Hammers- 5×5@25lbs

Deadlifts 3×5@141 (ROAR!!)

DB Rows- 2×5@25lbs, 2×5@30lbs (Bent over rows)

Bench Press- 5×5@75lbs

Upright Rows- 5×5 @45lbs

Walking Lunges- 4×10@35lbs

Military Presses- 5×5 @20lbs

Push-ups- 2×20 @ body weight (I HATE push ups. No, I really really do)

Wednesday- April 24th- Day 252

5.0 Mile Run

Thursday- April 25th- Day 251

Back Squats- 5×5@115lbs (I need a new weight belt, mine is too big)

Bent over EZ Bar Rows- 5×5@ 51lbs

Push ups- 2×20 (Have I mentioned I hate these? )

Overhead presses- 5×5@20lbs (Don’t do these with push ups. Just don’t)

Farmer Walk- 2×40 @35lbs

Walking Lunges- 4×10 @35lbs

So I have been trying to really focus on just the push/pull philosophy of training. Still trying to understand and know that ALL my muscle groups are being hit, without having to really do split sets. I will give it about 6 weeks total and then re-evaluate and let you know what I think. I have been getting messages asking for help. I’m honored, but I’m not 100% sure myself, so I don’t feel confident enough to help anyone else out. I just know that I have been doing my homework, reading, asking advice and trial and erroring. There are so many schools of thought out there on the *right* way to train, that you can make yourself nuts. I look in the mirror and I see gains, which makes me KNOW that I am doing something right. The only thing I am still playing with is the frequency and figuring out if I like the split routine vs the 3 a weeks. Whether I like Stronglifts or your basic bodybuilding routines.

I have pretty much thrown away the evil thoughts of being afraid to bulk, it just won’t happen. I have been lifting heavier and heavier since January and the only thing that has happened is I have nice definition in my upper body (WIN) and my lower body has become a little more compact and tight (WIN). I still have work to do, but at least SEEING the gains and progress keeps me focused. This is not a fad or a new trick if you will, this is the rest of my life. I’m 40, and In order for me to be healthy all the way around, this is part of the package. It isn’t work, because I enjoy it and I KNOW it is what is best for my body. Healthy bones, muscle and overall well-being (well-being is a state of mind that I am always working on).

I’m letting go more and more of the idea of distance running. I’m trying to focus more on the shorter distances, because A)it’s all I have time for and B) I think I’m over the distance portion of the running. I thought I could never say that out loud or even think of doing that, but the more I’m honest with myself, the more I realize that, that phase of my life is over. Now, I’m not saying that I am done racing because God knows I can still throw down in a 5k if I wanted to and I was race ready and who knows, the half is still dangling out there. HOWEVER, for right now, I’m okay with running every other day a few miles. I am thinking of adding some biking into my regimen as well. Running was so much of who I thought I was. Running is something I was in control of, and something that I thought made me happy. Running became so many more things that I did NOT like about myself.

Running was starting to make me OCD. It was feeding into a part of me that I knew was there, but it was making it worse. My running became a chore, a chore to make sure I got the miles in, a chore to try to keep up with my other running friends. It was about becoming faster, doing too much, not starting my days until I got my runs in. I was not fueling my runs properly, I was getting sick after long runs, I was beginning to fatigue during my runs (DUE TO LACK OF PROPER FUELING), I did not want to FUEL because I felt I did not need those extra calories. I also have learned that I have an eating problem. I cannot be a good endurance runner, if I’m dealing with eating issues. I have eating issues because I was/am never happy with my body image. Not eating meals or going long extended periods in a day without eating was normal for me (and something I still struggle with). People could probably look at me and not think there was an issue because, after all, I do not LOOK like someone who is starving. I screwed up my metabolism. I’m almost sure of it. My body was/is just holding on to everything in fear of starvation. I was running because It gave me control, or control that I thought I had. It no longer became because I enjoyed it. There were days that I went out and DON’T get me wrong, I loved it and it made me remember why I ran, but those runs were coming far and few anymore.

Running gave me permission to eat more (meaning I felt LESS guilt eating on the days that I ran vs the days I did not run). There I said it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. I do believe I have running talent. That I know is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. THAT is what I set out to work with. My natural talent, then somewhere along the line I got greedy and did too much and abused my body along the way. I would like to be able to get that back someday, but I don’t know if I could, I’m getting older now and well, who knows really. Then I kept at it because I did not want to lose friends, friends that I thought were friends because they ran too and we had something in common, but I wonder sometimes that without the running, will they still be my friends? What else do we have in common?

I have such a not healthy body image. I always have. I will never be the skinny girl, BUT, I am learning that I DON’T really want to be the skinny girl. I want to be the physically fit girl. Which may mean the number on the scale going up in order to make room for the muscle that I’m building. That horrifies me as well. It’s just a number right? It does not mean you are fat or overweight, it just means your more fit and muscular. Muscle weighs more than fat. I have to keep telling myself that.

I’m having all these little emotional growth spurts in my head and they were all about due to happen anyway, because I cannot keep living the way I was. Something had/has to change. I need to really start living my life. I mean really living it. I don’t think I was/am. I think I’m just existing and floating through it. I have great kids, a great supportive husband, and the very few friends I have,I would like to think they love me. I can do this. It will just take time. I’m not emotional Picasso, but, after so many falls, I have to eventually stop falling so much right?

Love- D.

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From Mondays run

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Life.

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Sometimes people really don’t get it. I mean really. Don’t be in my or anyone else’s life half ass. We can see your fakeness coming a mile away. I can’t truly care about you, if my gut tells me you could give two shits about me. That is all for now

I have to update later.. It’s been a few days I know.

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I was posting from my ipad, I am now on my computer and will elaborate more.

I have been having a few tough weeks internally. Understanding why people do what they do, why they don’t follow through and how I decide to internalize it all. I do A LOT of internalizing. It almost debilitates me on many different levels. In my experience I have found that people like to say they behave a certain way, but in fact their actions prove them wrong, and I’m left standing there shaking my head. I spend a lot of time reading stuff people post on FB, stuff they write, picture they post, quotes they put up and have found that the majority of it is dependant on the mood they are in.  I’m a big poster of quotes lately. I find they sometimes speak better and more eloquently than I can, sometimes I tend to be a bit bitey and short with people. However, I react to people in direct correlation to how I feel they treat me. There was a recent event that took place where some people were getting together. I was not sure I could make it and I made that clear, then at some point I began to feel I was being left out. My feelings, I’m allowed to state them so I did and I left the conversation. 1 person reached out to me to apologize if I felt that way and it was not the intent and she was sorry. I was not looking for that, nor did I feel I needed it, but it was so touching and nice that she did.  I simply explained I was busy and was just feeling generally out of sorts lately, but I appreciated her words.  After that life went on, then I see the pictures. I could not help but feel very very badly. Like I was 5 years old. Crazy right? I did. Not once did anyone double check again with me, or check in on me PERIOD. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that? Do I just accept it and assume I was taking it too badly? Move on? Get over myself? Quit playing victim? Probably all of the above sure..yet I’m human and I have feelings. This hurt mine just a little..ouch.

I’ll get over it and I will move on and most of it is probably MY fault, but, I have to figure out what drives my way of thinking and why I feel the way I do. I have work to do internally and it is not easy. Especially when life has slapped you one too many times in the face. If I wrote down all that bothers me and all my insecurities, I could be here for a while and well..I don’t have time to type it all out. I just want to feel included and part of something. Right now I find I’m often circling the border and looking in. Too scared to say include me in fear of rejection. I back out of a lot of things because I’m afraid I don’t look right, or I’m not pretty enough, or I’m too fat, or I sound stupid when I talk, or people will think I’m dumb. I’m not kidding. That is the painful truth.

Maybe this should be 365 Days of learning to love myself.

Victorious

Strength for the body, mind + spirit. 1 Cor 15:57

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